Back in early 2015, I reached the absolute lowest point in my life. Nothing seemed to be working out for me. My job gave me stomach aches, my relationship terminated back in late 2013, and I haven't been able to find a girlfriend since, except occasionally going with prostitutes. I wasn't getting along with my family so well, actually, there were no fights between us but I distanced myself from them. And I've gained a lot of weight, therefore wasn't looking quite like an Apollo.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact event or a point in time when everything started to fall apart. I can tell you that the career I was in seemed very promising but deep down I felt I was living a lie. Deep down I knew I wouldn't/couldn't go to distance with it. I had this dreadful feeling that I was a fraud, that I'm not worthy of this career.
My best friend was telling me that, compared to the other colleagues, I was very good at the job and that I'm being too harsh on myself; that I'm setting a standard that was too high to achieve. His reasoning was logical and sound but still, I couldn't shake off that feeling of unworthiness. It attached itself to my psyche like a parasite. And eventually, this psychological pain started to cause a real physical pain.
It started with stomach aches, then the headaches, and lastly, the muscle spasms. I would experience sudden involuntary muscular contractions and would do everything in my power not to show them in front of the others.
And not to mention the panic attacks that happened occasionally, usually when someone I would perceive as a person with malevolent intentions was doing something that could bring me some kind of harm. And I wasn't very good at confronting others when they were doing wrong things, but I can definitely tell you that I was excellent in swallowing all the negativities and suppressing them inside my soul. And when I would eventually manage to confront someone who did something wrong I was so stressed afterwards I could hardly focus myself to do anything.
I guess the problem was my refusal to believe that there were malevolent people in this world and I would always manage to find an excuse for anything bad someone did. I was, truly, my own worst enemy. I was actually a coward. There is no other way to say it. I was a fucking terrified little shitty coward. A pale shadow of the man I was presenting to the others.
But I knew that something has to change or else... I was going to kill myself.
Yes, I felt I was in a bottomless pit and I couldn't see the way out. I quit my job, left the town I was working in, and came back to my hometown to live with my parents; hoping that the warmth of my family home would heal me. And it seemed better for some short time, but then again I fell into state of depression. Even the house chores seemed too difficult for me, and my battle with kilograms didn't do any results.
Until...I discovered the work of Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.
Watching his lessons and the fan videos about his lessons made me feel significantly better in the period of just several months. I started to tell the truth more and more often. I realised that the meaning of life can be found in shouldering the responsibility...the very thing I always refused to do. I was always hiding away from it, and that act made me weak. Both psychologically and consequently, physically.
I also realised that my natural laziness must be fought gradually, every day little by little. So I enrolled in a boxing class and stuck with it. Naturally, after a few months of hard work, I started to experience the first results of my weight loss. I would lie if I would say it was easy. It wasn't. And it didn't start immediately. But it did eventually. And now I feel much better having lost all those kilograms.
I learned that I have to have an aim, a vision of some sort. That's why I found myself a different job, the one that plays into my natural strengths and I started to write erotic stories on Vocal. (Well, I was always a little horny bastard, I won't stop being now just because I got a proper life advice hehehehe.) The point here is that I love writing; even if it's erotic poetry LOL.
Of course, after sorting out several things in my life, there came the romantic relationship. I can say (knock on the wood) that it's going pretty good and that I feel very happy with my girl. And I hope it will last and possibly even result in a fruitful marriage.
That was my personal experience and I can only say that I'll be forever grateful to Dr. Peterson for giving me that little kick, that little boost that was just enough to turn the tide of my battle for my own soul.