Everyday

Some days… I wake up the feeling in my chest is heavy, I feel tired already, the power it takes to simply get out of bed is exhausting. The thought of having to leave the house and act okay is wrenching.

I try to pull myself up, light a candle, the smell of pine fills the room. I begin to try and stir my day in the right path “think about 3 things you’re thankful for” I repeat to myself as I list many more than three, the feeling inside is still heavy. Maybe my favourite song will help, but even music doesn’t give me the motivation I need. Weighed down I think of picking up some breakfast, but the thought of food makes my stomach feel weak, I rather not. Instead I make a coffee, the warm smell of the crushed beans in the water tickle my nose, “coffee” another thing I’m thankful for, yet still feeling empty. As I finish and begin to pack my bag for the day a wave of emotions overtakes me, an overwhelming amount of sadness, so I sit and cry for a while. Feeling myself sink deeper and deeper into my hurt, not knowing how to stop it, feeling weak as if I am hanging on to the edge of a cliff and my fingers are losing grip. A loss of control, a battle within, I look around for help, but no one can save me from myself. There is no way up, I must let it pass.

As the day continues, I feel numb, no emotions, or too many emotions I cannot decide but the feeling is tiring. With little to no energy I find some motivation to call a friend. They notice my off tone and after I deny anything is wrong numerous times, they get frustrated, begin to think I’m simply being rude, and leave. I become frustrated with myself, why can I no longer pretend to be full of life. I wish I could make others feel good despite how I feel myself.

I spend the rest of the day alone, napping, watching shows, trying to catch up on work. Meditating, trying to gain a piece of mind. Some days I sink back into the hole of numbness, other days I am in control.

Other days… I wake up, I notice the sun shining brighter than ever, with a smile on my face I spring out of bed, light a candle the smell of warm vanilla filling the room, I start my playlist. New apartment by Ari Lennox playing loudly as I get dressed, do my makeup, make coffee with some breakfast and prepare for the day. As I walk to the bus stop early morning, I smell the fresh grass and smile at those on my way to my destination.

I catch up on work and check my e-mails. I am in control of my day. I move with ease, see the beauty in today. Everything from watching the bees buzz around the flowers, to the chill breeze that hits the back of my neck sending shivers through my body, all bring me joy.

Later in the day it begins to rain, my freshly straightened hair gets wet as I’m waiting for the bus home, I laugh it off because today is a good day. I manage to message some friends and call one, a smile lights my face as the conversation about nothing in particular makes my day feel complete.

I get ready for bed. Take a warm shower, clean my face the smell of the soap and warm water hitting my face making me feel relaxed. I get cozy in my blankets the weight of my cold white duvet makes me feel ready to rest. I reflect on my day, it felt productive, I can fall asleep easily. Nothing can ruin my peace of mind, until some day comes again.