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Depression In The Pandemic.

by Angel Pilkin 2 months ago in depression

Depression from a Personal Prespective in the COVID-19 World.

Depression In The Pandemic.
Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Depression is something that I have felt countless times. I have struggled with depression since childhood. It is not a new feeling to me. The Manic Bipolar Depression are the worse bouts of depression, and feel like they are never-ending. I thought I had experienced most every way depression could attack me until my normal depressive states combined my frustration and anxiety in the current COVID-19 pandemic.

Generally my depressive states even in a Manic Bipolar Depression episode is manageable with just a low more effort than usual. It usually goes away and remains gone a while before coming back if the depressive episode is severe enough. I have never been depressed more than three months at a time until the current stage of manic depression hit in July of 2020, and this time it is terrifyingly different.

Individuals are different in the ways they experince depression. There are indivudals that when they become depressed they can not bring themselves to rise from the bed. They have can not just not muster the strength to do anything. The entire world seems to stop turning, and all that remains is the saddness and despair for the individual. I am generally not that person. I feel the immense sadness, but I can force myself to go through the motions of day to day living. I am able to force myself to get things done. I can even put on a smile and laugh even though I am so depressed it physically hurts me to smile and laugh. I have never once cried actual tears in a depressive state, but COVID-19 and all that goes with it has changed that. I can still force myself to do the motions and get on with the day-to-day things. I forced myself to do a few problems in my Business Stats book today, but shortly after I was done, and could not force no more work from myself I cried for the first time since 2011. The immense saddness I feel in the very depths of my soul seemed to have come up and I cried like I have not cried in a decade. Then like the good emotionless Kentucky Southern Belle I was raised to be I wiped my tears, washed my face and nobody was none the wiser.

I know what is making it so bad, and there is nothing I can do about the issue. I can not magically make a cure for COVID-19. I can not make it go away with some magical force summoned from whatever magical place in my soul that makes me human. It is not possible. It is also not possible for me to make this new level of depression disappear, or just go back to the previous level of depression that did not make it so hard just to wake up in the morning, and do the things I need to do for everyone.

Seven months of depression is longer than I have ever dealt with being depressed the sadness that I just can not shake makes me want to close my eyes and just sleep until I wake up with a smile on my face. It has become a chore just to brush my teeth, shower or even play a game. I used to look foward to springing from the bed, going straight to the bathroom and getting ready for the day. I done this even after I was working remotely. I looked foward to playing a game after I did my assignments which I would do a week in advance if possible. I now cry after I do a few math problems that weren't that hard. It was not a large task. I had to lie down afterwards it was like ther was a two ton weight sitting on my shoulders. If I did not lie down I would be crushed by it, so I went to lay down, and fell asleep my depression consuming every elmemnt of my mind, soul and. even my body.

I plan on seeking help. I have every intent to fight the depression that is so different from my usual depression that I can not explain it. I know it will be a difficult path that I will have to go down to get help. Mental health is not a primary focus for medical professionals in the current pandemic we are in. The pandemic however is what is making my depression be so severe and so so different than it was before. I can not escape my own mind by taking a bus ride to the forest preserve to unwind without feeling guilty. Ethically I am only supposed to travel for essential needs, any other trip is selfish, and self serving. My mental health however seems to be breaking into a thousand pieces in front of me. I see the pieces falling. Each one says this depression is different. Do something about it. If you don't you may get to the point of no return. I am however stuck in a state of depression in a pandemic and even talking about it seems selfish. I must consider there are people that can no longer feel depression because they aren't alive to feel it. I don't want to die, but if the dead inside depression state could come back, sadly that would be great.

Angel Pilkin
Angel Pilkin
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Angel Pilkin

I am Angel and I pretty much have no idea what to write in a bio.

I will write about my life at time. I will write about personal things, hopes and dreams and more. At times fact will be hard to tell from fiction. I hope you enjoy.

See all posts by Angel Pilkin

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