Day 1

I'm dying for a smoke. /me pops two more nicorette gum. Fuck. I know I can go up to my mom's and my uncle John would have smokes in his bag in his room. I will probably do that soon. The mornings are the hardest. This is not my first time trying to quit. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I want a smoke. But I don't. That's why I'm holding off. I probably will go up eventually. But not right now. I'm holding out. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

My coffee doesn't even taste good today. Could life get any worse? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Some days I can make great coffees. The cream. The sugar. The amount of instant coffee I pour into my cup is perfect. Those are good days. I think I put too much instant coffee in my coffee this morning. Ger. /Me is angry. /Me wants good tasting coffee. Ger. I'll have to make another cup soon anyway. I'll try and make this cup better. Focus Kerri, focus. You got this.

Day 1

Talking to myself again. Always talking, talking, talking, thinking, thinking, thinking, never ending.

I'm trying to quit gambling today too. My sister's boyfriend's mother told me not to try and quit too much at once, "It won't work." But fuck it, I need to quit. Everything.

Day 1

I'm smoking weed atm. It's something. Something I don't want to part with. Ever. I don't think anyways. Unless my lungs don't get any better after I get off these smokes. I have a really bad cough. Fuck I want a smoke. Ger.

Ariana Grande- 34+35

"Boy, I've been drinking coffee, and I've been eating healthy, know I get squeaky, saving all my energy. Can you stay up all night, fuck me till the daylight 34 35. Can you stay up all night, fuck me till the daylight 34 35"

***

I'll be out of weed by the end of the day. Good job Kerri. I fucked myself in payday loans. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I thought I knew. I had a plan. I fucked it again. Goodbye power bill money. Good bye rent money. I never had the rent money in the first place. I made all these plans in my mind and on paper and what did I do. I gambled away the power bill money...again.

***

I'm fucking myself. I have to get it together or we ain't gonna have heat. Or a place to live. And my cousin is living with me. He is giving me rent money. I have to pay our bills. God I am fucking myself. Why do I do these things. Well I know why. I need to do better. Yesterday was not good enough. I mean it wasn't good at all but I can do better.

Guess that's one positive; I can only go up from here. It's time to fly. /Me remembers joint. Fly high young grasshopper. Fly high. I miss Alex. I miss my boyfriends daughter. I miss him too. I seen him yesterday. He was driving behind me. I signaled to him to pull over. We both pulled into the old track, where the horses use to race, and I use to work.

It was nice to see him. Tears came instantly to my eyes. I was surprised by this. Surprised how nice it was to see him. It was like seeing my best friend. My best friend that I never knew if I would see again. I miss him. He looked happy. I thought about it last night...maybe he's happier without me and if he is then maybe I should stay away.

I love when he's happy. He's just such a different person when he's happy. He smiles more. He looked good. I love when he's happy. That makes me happy. We fought a lot. I seen a lot of unhappy him. I'm sure he's seen some sides of me that he didn't care for as well. He doesn't want to go back out with me. He says we have too many differences but mostly it's the gambling. He told me it was one thing that I fucked him over but when I fucked his daughter over that was another level for him. It was another level for me as well.

He's right. I know he's right. I actually was beginning to trust myself less and less around the time we split. I did some shady shit. I'm shady when I gamble. I'm shady. He told me I turn into a different person when I gamble, do things that are out of character for me. He's right. He's right. I can be shady, immoral, shitty. Just a shitty, fucking person when I gamble. It consumes my mind. I don't know how to make it stop. Today I cried thinking about that. How gambling consumes me. I cried because I don't know how to make it stop. Make it stop.

I prayed last night. I prayed for people I knew who were struggling right now, and I prayed for myself.I prayed God would help me through this. I prayed for my life back. Whatever life that is, I want it. I want it all. I want the white picket fence. I want it all.

Need to stop.

You're right. I know you're right. I haven't made it to the point where I can say, "YES," I am doing this, today is the day. I mean today is the day but I don't know how confident I am. The thoughts, the thoughts are still there. The races. The horses. The machines. Prolines. I want it all. I want it all.

Can't have your cake and eat it too I guess. I need to quit. I need to quit. I can do this. I can do this. Fuck I want a smoke. I'm going soon to get a smoke. My uncle John lives in Margaree. He drives down for work and stays at my moms Monday through Friday. He doesn't always do this, whenever there is work in Sydney, but quite often. I know he'll have his smokes for the week in his bag. I also know he won't mind if I take a couple. He always hooks me up. He hooks everyone up. Everyone loves uncle John.

My mom is from Margaree.

Jessia- I'm not pretty

"I know that I should love myself. But it's getting kinda hard when you're constantly feeling like garbage. Know I shouldn't hurt myself but I can't find a way to lose weight without literally starving. Every other song says I'm beautiful but what if I don't feel like I'm beautiful? I wish my body image didn't say that I should be another kind of way.

Maybe I'm not pretty, maybe I'm just fun. 'Cause I got a belly and I got a bum. But I can't be jelly of all the other ones. So I'm falling in love with my rump, bum, bum, bum."

I'm struggling. Bad.

I'm at my parents now. Had a smoke. Had a few smokes. Forgot to put my patch on. I've applied for two payday loans since I got here. Probably will get denied, but maybe not. I get these uncontrollable urges to just play the machines. I'm not sure what to do about that. I've called the gambling hotline since I've been here too, busy. Left a message. I need help.