Beyond the Blues
Beyond the Blues

Dating 'The Accountant' - Depression Trigger

Missing truths to an anger demon - he is depression

Dating 'The Accountant' - Depression Trigger
My Anger Demon

How I Met Your Mother - ‘Here's the thing about crazy. When a guy sends mixed signals to a girl, it takes a toll on her psychological well-being. You want to know why a girl acts crazy, look at the guy she's dating. Then you really see some crazy. Trust me.’

My whole life I’ve prided myself a nice person. I’m kind, thoughtful, calm, respectful, smiling, helpful and humorous. I’m emotional and take things to heart.

I’m never angry or rile anyone the wrong way. I’m polite and parents taught not to hurt or swear at others. Furthering this I never swear. I’m 100% confident to ask anyone to confirm, even he can. I don’t curse, I choose not to.

I accept other’s abuse, anger, negativity, bad intentions without fighting. Over time this offset my depression. I avoid confrontation, outbursts and am nice or quiet.

My parents didn’t raise me to have depression, date, be used, binned, blamed, treated as nothing and react abusively. They raised the opposite a happy girl wanting to settle with a kind man. They taught me good morals, values and apologise from heart, change wrong behaviour and take responsibility of actions.

You can’t shame someone or their parents for who they’re not regardless what anyone says.

I met ‘The Accountant’ 2018. His immaturity made me sick and triggered my depression, final nail in the coffin to seal. I reacted horrifically.

It’s an illness that can occur to anyone, a chemical imbalance. A protection system built to deal with threat like situations/ events. How ‘The Accountant’ treated me shook my foundation.

Depression/ anxiety are incurable. I live with it forever. In society we make a big deal to support and spread awareness of mental health. From someone who has it, when its ugly side comes out in an abusive, disgusting, vile way, it’s hard to talk even with professionals. It’s a mental battle with yourself no one understands.

My depressive side I’m targeting him, friends and family but when me I don’t care about him or them.

The anger fits I kept hidden. Flame/ fire ignites in my head. My blood pressure rises, getting hot, sweaty and heart racing.

A horrific demon takes over. I’m in a dark corner watching what happens but can’t control. I’m stomping and running. If family are home I scream in silence, if not I scream the house down like trying to expel an invader out my body.

I look in the mirror not recognising the person digging nails into my head, mouth wide open and eyes strained. I start scratching and punching to get pain and vile thoughts out.

I shake uncontrollably. All disgusting evil thoughts and negative low emotions run through my body straining my heart. I strain my heart, cry and scream so much it feels my heart will burst resulting in chest pains.

In this frameset my actions weren’t from joy or happiness. Once over I’d pray God takes me and I don’t go on.

Consistency of fits was 2/ 3 per hour or more. They last from few minutes to over an hour, long enough to react.

A permanent noise, constant pain and stone pressuring the head you can’t rid.

I felt used and cheap so thoughts were vile, abusive and crude of disgusting nature.

Once calm I would never re-visit my actions and carry on normal. I don’t remember.

There’s conflict ‘I like him, I don’t’ cycle, anger follows remorse and so on.

Harmful words come from depressive state of hurt, mental torture and anger. I was never this before I met ‘The Accountant’, he triggered this. All positivity suppressed.

He made me feel ashamed to tell parents and I resented them.

Dating ‘The Accountant’ involved red flags, mixed signals and fake dating with lies to lead me on.

He was distant, uncomfortable and rigid. He stopped kissing, pulled hands away from mine and walked fast keeping physical distance. He was awkward when I told him I told others we’re dating.

He messaged more than spoke. Sending messages is impersonal, takes away human interaction but shows time commitment.

Inviting him to my 30th birthday, he wasn’t enthused. I knew he wasn’t going to come but still planned our next date.

He never liked me, never said and showed no interest in getting to know. He later said ‘I wanted to get to know you’, why didn’t he? Dates are opportunities. He never knew me making it easy to blame my mental health than him to admit he used me.

The last date, he hurried me to leave the restaurant and drove to a secluded wooded area. I wanted to go to a scenic viewpoint.

To hold and kiss him I suggested we get in the back seat. I had no intentions/ plans to go further.

He said he’s got a condom, I responded ‘No I don’t think we should go that far’, but later gave in. The condom was from his last girlfriend. Which type of boys keeps condoms in wallets?

He said ‘This is why I need to get my own place’, ‘f*** me, f*** me’ and he ‘touched himself last night’, he wanted me.

We drove to a shop to buy more protection. He said ‘we have condoms for our next time’.

Next day I was blown off. Responses were short immediate shutdowns to end conversation. I said I liked him, he responded ‘I thought you were a nice girl’, negative accusation implied.

Days of ignored messages and minimal communication felt disheartening and upsetting. Making plans to not see me.

I made him end dating ‘If your not interested, let me know so I can go’. He replied he had no time to commit because of work and promotion over a year away.

He explained sex in his car was uncomfortable and it was ‘because of what I did’. What did I do?

I was blocked. Depression triggered.

Later he admitted ‘we just weren’t compatible, we have nothing in common, I love football , horse racing and golf and enjoy going out drinking with mates, you hardly drink and not interested in any of those sports’. Why not say before having sex? He knew this on our last date.

He wanted sex, no strings, for me it wasn’t mutual. If he told the truth we weren’t compatible I wouldn’t have done it. He took away my choice and put thought and plans to ghost.

Everything felt after fed my depression: cheap, guilty, broken toy, degraded, low self-esteem, conflict, blame, shame, judgement, discard, anger, jealousy, anxiety and worthlessness.

He wants to ‘be better for the next one’; making me inadequate I’m not his type. I deserved this treatment but next girl deserves better. Depression is NOT to believe negativity but he validates them all.

I gave my mental health, body, heart and time on a plate and he emotionally abused and violated it. He doesn’t care I have a mental illness.

My parents said ‘you should have told us, especially as we know his parents, if anything went wrong like it did, we would have helped you’. This is my regret, instead I suffered in silence.

Parents described him ‘he’s a mess around, what were you doing dating someone like that. I thought you were looking to settle?’ I replied ‘I didn’t know, I thought he was different’, they laughed. If I wanted revenge I’d put shame and blame where it belongs, him and his parents.

Mum said ‘your whole life I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear, so what are you doing sending abusive messages? I replied ‘I don’t know but I’m going to book a doctor’s appointment to find out’.

I told GP ‘I don’t know why I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing, sending abusive messages with curse words when I don’t even swear, I never get angry’.

GP responded ‘this is mental health, when you do something that is out of character, this is mental health’. Signs and symptoms were highlighted.

My thoughts are cyclic, Obsessive Rumination Disorder, focusing on past events. Thoughts are broken record stuck skipping over the same bit. Every second I relive all dates, conversations, physical interactions. Permanent stuck memory on continuous loop.

Depression doesn’t define me, it has to be controlled and I don’t need to change my personality/ character.

Small minded people like ‘The Accountant’ laugh and judge the illness they triggered. ‘Haha your messages make me laugh’. They threat to out and shame it and seek advice from like minded friends to support false claims.

They ask questions to ignore and provoke reactions. ‘Look what do you want from me?’ Open statements leaving you hanging. ‘I’ve got to go play football now, I’ll reply when I get back’. They take pleasure stringing your illness making it worse on purpose, my pain and suffering funny.

They pick and choose when to reply, followed by silent treatment to punish and mentally torture.

Feels like a calculated plan, he’s an accountant; professional.

I’m naive and what he said I believed. I’m a ‘disturbed person’, ‘you think you’re a nice girl but your not’, ‘your true colours came out’, ‘you re a pathetic child’. I lost my identity and became this. I didn’t know why I behaved this way and it deemed true. It’s my fault, so I acted to make it my fault.

‘The Accountant’ doesn’t have mental illness. He’s cold, heartless, offered no help and watched me suffer kicking me down further. He knew about my illness.

His brain is fully developed and can’t expand. He’ll change little but mentally never.

‘The Accountant’ showed signs of misogyny and judgement. He mimicked, wishing I never messaged, why am I saying this in first place?

I’m speaking out, admitting to family, friends and colleagues. What happened was emotional abuse, I reacted same.

Guess what? No shame, everyone offers support and kindness. They know me, care and love. I can justify myself fully. My actions are out of character. I can be open, he can’t.

The Para-legal, anyone; do you have kids or daughter? If so, when she’s older ready to settle, falsely led by an immature boy, used, blamed, mental illness triggered, kicked further and lied to. Who would you support?

I wanted the condoms he promised for us, no-one else. He was amused and wanted to give on my street close to parents so they could watch. I fail to see this as funny.

30 times I was blamed for sex. Regardless what I did. Blame and insulting my character would inevitably happen with no empathy.

I wish these people best of luck. He’s karma is coming. I’m sorry, feel sorry for him but I won’t be only to suffer.

It’s not his fault and I don’t blame him. He was disrespectful leaving without goodbye. I wanted the right thing, goodbye, offsetting depression from blame that followed. My illness provoked him.

This isn’t revenge and never planned. Its mental health issues, an answer for happiness to rid hurt and sick.

I’m the nicest person with a good heart and never purposely hurt others. I’m stronger, confident and braver than ever.

I know who I am, go extra mile nice, which he took advantage. I see the good in people and assumed it in him.

My intention was of caring and happiness. I brought a gift to share with his family showing I thought about him and others.

Not one message did I mean only apologies and describing mental suffering which were ignored. This is NOT my true colours but desperate cry for help in worst way.

I understand people are appalled and disgusted, reflection to how I felt.

I’m sorry I reached out. I don’t know and wished to not know of you.

I had to tell others to free my depressive states and pressures weighing my head. I tried to stop but became an obsession.

Silent treatments killed me, a dagger to my head, spurring anger and frustration to continue. I never felt better, only guilt. I know it’s my fault. I wanted anyone to listen and take notice, desperate to see what I did.

All apologies given were followed by blame or insult with no intentions of correcting behaviour or accepting responsibility. Meaningful apology I will never have. How can he be sorry? It’s my fault.

I followed his immaturity to hurt but he won’t fix his problems as there’s none and blames others. He can’t communicate effectively.

Actions speak louder than words. I will never do what I said. All interactions I never said anything bad. Nor to his parents when I saw them, I don’t care to.

He knows my true colours but makes me and parents look bad to hide the cause, his failures.

He wanted to come back, of course! I told him to stay away but my depression couldn’t let go. My depression IS him: weak, immature, stuck in the bin he left me. The anger demon he’s given scares me filled with jealousy and hate.

I don’t want him, not because I deserve better. He knows what he did and who he is.

I want decent to make the world better. Have kids to make a difference. He won’t. He’s not strong or possesses any qualities in a supportive partner or father.

I’m trying to move on, mature and find a partner to grow with. Be in a healthy relationship supporting mind and wellbeing and not ignore red flags.

My whole life wanting a partner and kids I may never get. Everyday I have waves of anxiety, tiredness and sick bile feeling of disgust.

No-one knows this truth, only he’s warped mentality version. When at a bar he was staring, I ignored with back turned. According to him I tried to make eye contact. CCTV proves not true; he knows but wants me to look weak.

Dating was NOT going well and was NOT looking to settle. There’s no proof/ evidence. If true, why aren’t we together? Why end it? He’s taken my version, nice words sounding good and lies bending truths.

He doesn’t respect girls. ‘I want to make my parents proud’, are they? Using girls and laughing at mental illness.

I shouldn’t have mentioned his mum. I stuck to the idea because of depression but ‘I don’t know her’, only his actions.

I wanted dating but got blamed in a blameless situation. The guilt has mentally scarred. Blame insinuates I’m easy, which isn’t true. I was asking for it, funding his future sex life with condoms.

His house, we were supposed to search together, leading me on to a future.

This isn’t ‘getting over it’, but recover and heal. He ruined my life being his sex toy and wasted years. Never will I be normal.

Even with depression I would never do what he did. This is all because of what he did. He or others want to shame me, go ahead. Your shaming depression caused from actions of a kid.

To quote ‘Overcoming Depression’ by Paul Gilbert ‘Depression is not our fault and there’s nothing bad about us’.

Who am I...? Anyone’s daughter

depression
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Anonymous
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