Complex CPTSD

by Cindy Gust 7 months ago in disorder

Surviving Narcissism

Complex CPTSD
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So, I guess it is true. I have NARS personality disorder..... Everybody, but me seems to have known this. And I’m actually quite furious that people saw this in me and didn’t bother to TELL me in a direct way. Instead they all went sneaking around, talking about me behind my back about it and smiling to my face instead of bringing it to my attention. I mean, I know I may sound intimidating, but nobody can tell me that EVERYBODY was/is too afraid to confront me. I have an expressive voice, not a mean streak that horrible. I willingly take constructive criticism if it helps to better me or anything other situation. I’ve willingly agreed that I could have NPD. I’ve thought about it over and over. But for people to just walk away without bringing a problem to my attention is just weak AND says a lot about their self worth as well. They don’t feel strong enough in themselves to be direct. Just like they blame an NPD for being weak.

Hell no, we’re not weak. We are the way we are, tough, because that is how we had to be to survive. I think the people that see us as unapproachable have their own self esteem issues. And by saying these things I’m certainly not condoning NPD behavior. BUT WE CANT FIX WHAT IS NOT BROUGHT TO THE LIGHT. So, now people know why a narcissist cannot change. Because they’re never given the opportunity to change. People just walk away. Well, okay. Walk away. But then mind your own business unless you want to be involved in supporting changes. It’s that simple.

I admit I’ve always been terrible at thinking I know everything. I always thought I had plenty of life experience to know everything. But as it turns out, I FOUND OUT, I know nothing about the disorder inside of me. And since nobody wants to “take the risk” I’m never going to learn. So, I say “shame on you” to the people who claim to want to help people and be supportive, except when it comes to somebody with NPD.

And I think the education people are getting out there about the disorder is downright misinforming. Unless you have walked the walk of narcissism you cannot assume you know what the narcissist thinks or feels, or what their motives or intentions are. Now, I’d like to know who really is the bigger or more healthier individual? The person who is up front with an issue? Or the person who sees an issue and tries to avoid it? Let’s face it, everybody has issues. Thank you for bringing mine to my attention. Now that I know, leave me alone so that I can work on them and heal from the CPTSD I continually suffer over and over because those people want to continue to pick a wound that’s never had a chance to heal. It’s a daunting task to try to get through each day without somebody telling me what it is I’m doing wrong all the time, all the while high fiving their friends for “getting one over in me”.

I’m sorry, but THAT is my perception, from what little information I am given from day to day from the accusers. And no, this is not being argumentative. This is a difference of perception based on the limited information people give me about “my dusorder”. And I don’t see any kindness in people at all. You’re all too eager to just say “f-it” and walk away, then try to help like you claim to want to do for people and the world. I don’t see any resolve in your attempts at all. Only another spectrum of manipulation.

So, bottom line, if you don’t like me just don’t talk to me. Stay away from me, leave me be. I’ve survived this far alone I can survive another ten years before my life is over.

Can’t we all just get along?

Cindy Gust
Cindy Gust
Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Cindy Gust

49 years old, from Wisconsin USA. I aspire to be a best selling author. In the process of writing my first book! I am a wellness advocate for doTERRA essential oils, I love making DIY skin care products with essential oils.

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