Client’s Problems: My Husband Committed Suicide
The problems my counselling clients have encountered.
I have been a counsellor for the past 2 years and I offer a free online email counselling service. Some of my clients have kindly agreed to share their details so that they might help someone else going through the same thing they are. They have given full written permission for their problems to be shared.
Names have been changed to protect my client’s confidentiality.
My husband of 12 years committed suicide last year. We had four children together and I was pregnant with the fifth. He did it whilst my sister and her kids were all round my house for Sunday lunch. He went down to the garage and never came back up. My life has fallen apart without him. I don’t know how to cope, and I don’t know why he did it. I didn’t even know he was depressed, let alone suicidal. I’m so upset, but I’m so angry, which is making me feel guilty. He traumatised everyone, my sister’s kids, my sister and even my brother-in-law who found him. It was just so selfish of him. I just can’t make sense of any of it. I feel one way one minute and completely different the next. Some days I miss him so much I can hardly breathe, other days I hate him for what he did. I just want things to make sense again.
First of all, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the kind of pain you’re going through. Secondly, please don’t feel guilty for being angry. It’s a totally normal response to what happened. It would be unusual if you didn’t feel angry towards your husband. It doesn’t mean you love him any less. You can love someone with all your heart and soul and still be furiously angry with them.
As for knowing why he did it, I wish I could tell you. But I can’t. I’m sorry. All I do know is that he felt like it was the only option he had left. And please don’t beat yourself up for not knowing about his depression. Some people are extremely good at hiding it from others. Please don’t remember him as a selfish man. What he did wasn’t done out of selfishness. It was done out of desperation. At the time, he felt like it was the only way to make his pain stop. Remember him as the father and husband he was, don’t just remember him for what he did. I know it’s hard now, but it will get easier over time to remember him that way.
Please reach out for all the support you can and encourage your sister’s family to do the same. What you all witnessed will have been highly traumatic. It would be helpful to get the children to talk to someone too. They may not understand it at the moment, but it can still cause massive trauma for them later on in life.
Your ever-changing feelings might feel extremely weird, but they are the most natural reaction. The sudden loss of your husband of 12 years isn’t going to be an easy thing to process. Your emotions are bound to be all over the place. The key is not to fight them. Don’t try not to be angry or sad. Just go with whatever emotion you’re feeling. Repressing them will only leave you feeling bitter and frustrated.
Please get as much help as you can. There are online resources and phone lines you can call that I will list below. Also, please utilise the support of your friends and family. I’m sure they would be happy to help. NHS: Beyond Blue
Support After Suicide