Here is where my mind stops. The circus is gone again. But this time the circus is disappointed in me. I’m not sure what I’ve done wrong, but it seems no matter what I do it’s not good enough. They want me to tough out life alone. Without the help of anybody. But I don’t see how that option works. I haven’t gotten any better thus far. So, I’m trying to do the next right thing. I’m staying with a friend so that I don’t end up dying from self neglect. Isn’t that meth’s intent after all? For me to die of self neglect? That’s why I can no longer allow these people or this person to isolate me. I’ve listened to that drug so far and look where it has gotten me. You’re looking at a person one foot in the gutter. Meaning, one foot from giving up. Please don’t read that literal.
I see where this has been taking me now. From beginning to end. It’s this dang methamphetamine and not only, but mixed with bipolar. What a mess my life has become in such a short while. A year. Pretty soon two. How could I have let one day slip up to ten! It seems like it’s been another year of hell all over again. I can’t go back. I’ll never make it a third time around. Now I’m scared, because I’m looking at this whole damn picture, just as if it were a movie playing. A repeat from h***.
Please, if you read this at all, pray for me. In whatever fashion you pray. Pray for my strength and courage to not back down. Light a candle for me some night. Not a big one, just one of those small birthday candles. Now while I’m around, not when it’s too late. I like purple for lots of reasons. I know it’s bold to ask, but I believe in the love and goodness of people. Even just one would help me, even if you dislike me and my mouth. I’m really just a kid at heart. Who never really learned how to play with the other kids the right way. Not without getting into a fight. Give me a chance. I beg, just heart me. That’s something I didn’t get much of, so that would be nice. It might build my confidence back up, to fight another fight. But please, no more fights like the last. I barely came out of it.
A NEW DAY
So, it’s been maybe a week or so since I first submitted this article for review, so I thought I’d add an update:
It’s been 9 days clean, yes, starting over. I am choosing to start my clean time over, because it was more than a one day bender. It was 9 days of nightmares on that methamphetamine. Now, 9 days clean and the nightmares have settled down to mild irritations. If I feel I’m being picked on or bullied I just change the channel or turn off the YouTube. I still stand by the belief I’m being bullied, but it’s more of a feeling of nuisance rather than fear, or anxiety. Because my frame of mind is so different the past few days, what they have to SAY about me really doesn’t matter. I’m happy where I’m at presently in my life, and it may not have any fabulous star quality to it, but I believe it will in time. There are a lot of goals I still want and intent to obtain. But I’m going to do it in my own pace. I’m not going to let these people give me the impression that anything HAS to be done RIGHT NOW in order for me to be successful. I mean, I believe there may be times that are more beneficial than others, but that’s not where I’m going to put my focus. My focus is going be my mental health. Because if I can’t keep that in check first nothing is going to cone of, well, nothing.
So, with everything done and said, I do want to thank the YouTube tarot readers for everything they’ve done, good or bad, and I would like to somehow show my gratitude to them. I want to send them each a crystal, because that’s really all I have to give, other than give away my tarot cards. And who knows, maybe I will. Adeline B.... maybe I’ll send her a deck.
Otherwise, I’m thinking about giving away some crystals on Facebook... to, idk, like the first 20 comments.
I just feel like giving today. From my heart.