Anxiety

It happened... I was sitting patiently in the doctor's office waiting room. Waiting on my name to be called so I could get this wellness visit over. Just a normal day. Just a normal physical check up. At least that's what it was suppose to be.

I woke up, rushed to get myself ready. I ate nothing buy my usual morning medications and a glass of orange juice. Then straight to my appointment. I sat in that waiting room, scrolling through social media. Then bam!, out of nowhere it hit. I felt the ever so familiar feeling of pins in my fingers and buzzing in my head. I grew increasingly hot and my heart began to palpitate. I tried to calm myself. I tried to tell myself to act normal just a bit longer. Surely they would call me back soon. But I failed.

As I felt the dizziness set in and the overwhelming need to flee grow stronger, I rushed to the front desk and tried to calmly explain that I was having a panic attack. The nurse's eyes bolted up at me and she asked what I felt I should do. What would help me? I didn't know. I can't think straight when I'm like this. Feeling my body start to uncontrollably shake and my vision going wobbly, she quickly allowed me back to the restroom. At this point I lost it completely. I shut the bathroom door behind me, the hyperventilating kicked in full force and the tears started to flow. I don't know what caused it. I don't know what triggered this embarrassing display and lack of control, but it happened.

After splashing cold water on my face and ripping my mask off so I could properly breathe through this episode I tried to piece together all the possible reasons or triggers that could have brought this on. But nothing sprang to mind. Not that I could think clearly anyways. Finally, a nurse came to me and told me it was my turn to be seen. I had gotten my breathing under control a bit so I followed her to the nurse's station for my vitals but then immediately fell back into the panic as I tried to confirm my date of birth (which I couldn't for the life of me remember at that moment). I couldn't speak, I couldn't think. I was stuttering and hyperventilating so much. This amazing nurse rushed me back to a room and proceeded to calm me down and talk me through the worst parts of the attack. She got me thinking clearly again, or at least clear enough to answer all the necessary medical questions.

After she felt I had myself in control again she left and my doctor came in. My primary care doctor is absolutely amazing and patient. I am not currently on any medication for my anxiety because I have anxiety about starting new medications (silly, I know). I've had such bad experiences with so many of them that I just don't take anything at all. I've also been out of therapy for a few years as well do to lack of time in my schedule. She did her job however. She gave me a list of mental health care providers to look into, insisting that I find one as soon as possible. She then talked me through my medicinal options. I explained in full detail all of my fears and triggers to her (for the first time). She prescribed me a medication to try, went through the rest of my physical, and then sent me on my way when she was sure I was well enough to leave.

I normally have a good control of my anxiety in public places. I've dealt with anxiety since my teen years. It increased exponentially after high school when I went through the trauma of an abusive relationship. And it seems to have increased more since the quarantine and my decision to change certain things in my life. Perhaps it's the uncertianty. But usually, I know my triggers. I know, when I'm in public or around others, how to sense the attacks and control them long enough to get myself alone. I also know how to settle minor attacks or random anxious thoughts that send me spiraling, when I'm alone. Of late, my attacks are caused by health anxiety. Dizziness, migraines, eye pain, and ear pain can cause me ridiculous and annoying amounts of anxiety expecially if I don't know what's causing it. Then male anger or aggression tends to highten my anxiety. I can thank that to the PTSD caused by the abuse in my early adult years. And then sometimes life in general creeps up and pushes me off the cliff of panic because, you know, that's just life. But then, on rare occasion, like today. One will hit me out of no where, for no apparent reason I can identify. Those are usually the worst since I don't see them coming and can't take the necessary steps to try and stop them or get to a secluded place to work through it.

Anxiety is a bitch. It has made my life more difficult than necessary and I'm well aware that me not taking anything for it doesn't help the matter. But I do believe everything happens for a reason. I'm the type of person to bury problems so as to not make those around me worry. This sudden panic attack brought just how bad my mental health is to my doctor's attention. Now I have no choice but to seek help, which is not a bad thing. I obviously need it and I suppose I should be relieved it happened at the doctor's office and not in the store or at my kids school. I'm taking big leaps in my life right now. I'm trying to grow and find my own way in life. In a way that makes me happy. Having a better grasp on my mental health can only help in those goals. Plus, it would be nice to know what it feels like to not be in a state of constant worry and pain all of the time.

We have to take better care of ourselves. I have to take better care of myself. I know that ignoring problems doesn't help. But stepping out of my old ways is hard. But I suppose it's not suppose to be easy. I realize now that I at least need to try. Like everything else I'm trying to accomplish, moving forward and simply trying is the only way it will get done.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” —Epictetus