My Life with A Disorder

Like Leaves Off A Tree

I have always lived with anxiety, and I have always been shy. I get apprehensive about everything. Sometimes, I literally do not know why I am anxious. I just am and no one seems to understand that.

Anxiety happens when you think that you have to and must figure everything out at once. It is sort of like sitting in a rocking chair. Your body is moving, but you are not actually going anywhere. It is quite sad really, because my anxiety in fact, keeps me from doing the things I should be enjoying at my age.

I am twenty-three years old, and I should be able to do the things that I want to do and relish. I would like to be able to travel to the places that I have always wanted to go to, but unfortunately I cannot get onto a plane without having a panic attack, or even so much as make it through security without so much as having a breakdown. Without making myself look like a complete basket case.

But what does the anxiety feel like? For each person who suffers with anxiety, the symptoms are different. For me, however, it feels like I am having an asthma attack. My stomach coils up and knots, I cannot breathe, and I become lightheaded. Sometimes, I even feel as if I could throw up. But does it fee the same way to everyone else? Certainly not.

I guess you could say the same thing goes for being shy. I was always shy as a child, and if there is anything I know about shy people, it is that they notice everything. But they themselves, do not get noticed by anyone. All I know for certain is that I am a shy person. I always sat in the back of the classroom, never got called on, and never raised my hand, even if I did know the answers to whatever was being asked or discussed. I am, simply put, a very shy human being.

Over the years, I have learned that stress, anxiety, and depression come hand in hand and are caused by trying to make other people jubilant. I have always put other people first. I have never put myself before anyone else. I like to help others, even when I do not know how to help myself. Even when I cannot help myself. Other people always come first, no matter what.

Although anxiety alters different people in different ways, it takes a lot of strength to live with my disorder. It affects every aspect and condition of my life. I fight with my demons every day. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. It is just ho life works.

So…do not dare to say that I am weak, because having a panic attack would rip you apart from the inside out. It would eat you alive and never stop. After all, perhaps…you should never judge a person for hat they are going through inside their own heads. You should at least try to put yourself in their shoes. Every single one of us is human. We are all, simply, just human. And that, is a fact we all have to live with every single day of our lives. That will never change for as long as any of us will ever live.

So, my advice to you, my friends is this: be kind to those around you. Extend a helping hand and show some compassion for others around you. You never really know how many demons a person is fighting, or how much pain they hold inside.

Read next: Never In the Cover of Night
Tori Grace
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