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Am I Suicidal?

by Leonora Watkins 3 months ago in depression

It's not a silly question

Am I Suicidal?
Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

You might think this sounds like a dumb question, if you’re suicidal you would know because you want to die, right? Not always, there are 2 different types of suicidal people, those who are actively suicidal and those who are passively suicidal.

Actively suicidal people have a plan to act on their suicidal thoughts and are seeking to end their life. Passively suicidal people have no immediate plans to kill themselves, they just know the option is there.

And whilst everyone knows that they could potentially commit suicide, most people don’t consider it an “option.”

People think that passively suicidal people are in no real danger because they don’t plan to act on their suicidal thoughts. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. They don’t plan to act on their suicidal thoughts yet, things can change. Thoughts can escalate, become all-consuming, and impossible to ignore. And the dangerous thing is it can happen right under the noses of everyone, the suicidal person included.

So knowing whether you’re suicidal or not isn’t as easy as you might think. And everyone’s experience of suicidal thoughts is different, but there are some common attributes to keep an eye out for.

Negative

I’ll start with a fairly obvious one, feeling negative and like everything is pointless is common. Things you once loved seem trivial and like they’re a waste of time. These thoughts tend to start small but grow bigger and harder to ignore.

Useless

Another common one, you feel like there’s no point in you being alive anymore. That nobody needs or wants you for anything. It’s not true, but it’s a feeling you can’t escape no matter how hard you try.

Trapped and Desperate

Feeling trapped in a life you don’t want to live is a specific kind of hell. It makes you desperate to make drastic changes and only one appeals to you. These thoughts and feelings can be fleeting, but they only need you to give into them once.

By Christian Erfurt on Unsplash

Overwhelmed

Life is hard and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Everyday life is enough to overwhelm people who aren’t having suicidal thoughts. So if you are, everyday life is like a battlefield. Being overwhelmed by everything is normal, but it doesn’t make it any less frightening because it feels like it’s just too much to cope with.

Self-Loathing

I am so good at self-loathing, the one thing I’m good at is pointing out the things I’m terrible at. When you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts you can only focus on your flaws and everything you hate about yourself suddenly become much more noticeable. You hate everything about yourself and nobody else will be able to change that.

Physically or Emotionally Numb

Feeling like there’s a disconnect between your brain and your body is worrying. It’s like somebody came in and rewired you to see everything and feel nothing. And it might sound okay because you don’t feel sad. But the numb, cold nothingness is an inexplicable nightmare.

Unconcerned With Your Appearance

That person in the mirror is a total stranger so why should you care what they look like? It’s also a huge effort to make yourself look nice and when you feel like nobody could ever find you attractive it seems pointless.

Unsociable

You’re preoccupied with thoughts that nobody wants you around. So when someone invites you somewhere you automatically assume it’s a pity invite. So you don’t go, eventually, they stop asking confirming your suspicions that they never liked you. It’s a messed-up cycle of nonsense that seems impossible to escape.

Sleepy Or Sleepless

Changes in sleep patterns are common in suicidal people. Some people sleep more, others sleep much less. The people sleeping less will still be tired, but sleep won’t come. And those sleeping more will still be tired no matter how much they sleep.

Emotional

Felling numb to everything is normal, but feeling hyper-emotional is normal too. Surges of emotion can hit you like a wave and you might go from deliriously happy to uncontrollably sad within a very short time. The unpredictable nature of your emotions can frighten you and other people.

Appetite Changes

Some people can’t stop eating, but for others, food is the last thing on their minds. A noticeable weight change can be a good indicator of someone’s emotional state. Particularly if they have a habit of stress eating or stress starving.

As I said before, everyone’s experience of suicide will be different. But if you’re having suicidal thoughts then please get help. You deserve to be here.

depression

Leonora Watkins

A qualified counsellor and an even more qualified queer. I specialise in victims of rape and sexual assault. I also have a degree in behaviour analysis.

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