Adventures With Anxiety During a Pandemic

Anxiety:

You know, I think that during this pandemic we are going to get along just fine, you and me.

Me:

Oh, that's good. Why do you think that?

Anxiety:

Because we won't have to leave the house, and life is always calmer when we don't leave the house.

Me:

Yeah, it sounds like our ideal situation.

Anxiety: 

I actually feel so good about this, I'm not scared at all.

Me:

Sweet, life is definitely going to feel so relaxing. It's like a perfect holiday.

---

A month into quarantine

Anxiety:

I hate this. I want to go out to the clubs and get drunk.

Me:

Since when have you ever enjoyed that?

Anxiety:

Since you've been keeping me locked up in this house. I miss people.

Me:

Well, why don't we Facetime our friend?

Anxiety:

I can't be bothered, I just want to be alone.

Me:

But you just-

Anxiety:

I said I want to be alone!

---

Me:

Well, looks like we will have to go grocery shopping.

Anxiety:

No.

Me:

Yes, we have no food left.

Anxiety:

I'm pretty sure I saw some flour and salt, we don't need to go anywhere. 

Me:

We can't live off flour and salt.

Anxiety:

Fine! But if we get sick it's on you.

---

Walks to the grocery store.

Anxiety:

Don't go down that weird street where we once saw people sitting at the front. We might see them again, it was so awkward last time.

Sees a person walking towards us.

Oh my god! I haven't seen another person for so long, I forgot how much I hated it. Look at them! They're coming right at us.

Me:

Yes, it's fine. Don't panic.

Anxiety:

Who said anything about panic? I'm fine. Just hold your breath when they're closer, you don't want to catch anything.

Oh god, they're getting closer. Look down. No, wait, look up. Wait, look at them! Assert dominance. 

Me:

Focusing on holding breath.

Anxiety:

No, never mind, look down, they look like the type of person to stab you if you were to stare too long. 

The person passes by

Anxiety:

Wow, that was so awkward, did you see that? They didn't acknowledge you at all.

---

Goes into the supermarket

Anxiety:

What are we buying? I feel like a cake.

Me:

Just a few things. I was thinking of making pasta tonight.

Anxiety:

Holy crap, there are so many options, too many! Has it always been like this?

Me:

It's okay, we will just get the usual, not a big deal.

Anxiety:

Are you kidding me? Get that weird-looking shaped pasta, could be fun. Also, buy some chocolate. And don't forget the cake.

Me:

I don't know, that pasta doesn't look-

Anxiety:

Pick anything. Hurry!

Me:

Why are we hurrying?

Anxiety:

Because there are people coming down this aisle. Quick. Oh god, I can't breathe around them. We need to get out of here.

Me:

Let me just grab a few more things then we can go.

Anxiety:

Fine, but hurry it up. This feels so weird. I swear people are staring.

Me:

Grabs a few more items.

Anxiety:

Okay, that's it.

Me:

No, I think there are a few more things on the list, let me just check-

Anxiety:

Are you crazy? If you check your list something terrible might happen. Your awareness will be comprimised.

Me:

Just let me-

Anxiety:

No, we have all that we need to survive. Let's go. Hurry! Hurry!

Me:

Okay, sheesh. 

Anxiety:

Holy shit, the line up is too long. Go down that isle and wait until there are fewer people.

Me:

Okay.

Stands in the isle.

Anxiety:

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STANDING THERE? RUN WHILE THE LINE IS SHORT.

Me:

But you just said-

Anxiety:

GO! MOVE IT! HURRY!

Me:

Runs to the checkout

Anxiety:

Don't run! You look like an idiot.

---

Finally leaves the shop

Anxiety:

Well, I feel proud of us today. We shopped, we got exercise, we have food. Today is a good day.

Me:

Yeah, but we are missing a few things tha were on the list.

Anxiety:

What? Why didn't you read your list? You idiot! Ugh, my day is ruined.

Me:

We can go back if-

Anxiety:

You're a bigger fool than I thought. Why the hell would I want to g back in there? We literally just left. No, let's go home.

Me:

But I forgot the cake.

Anxiety:

Shit, I guess we gotta go back in.