I Might Have to Sue Corona

I Just Might Have To

I Might Have to Sue Corona
Photo by Sean O. on Unsplash

Upon reading this title, you might think I'm some idiot American, which is kind of true, I won't argue with that, but, I'm not thinking about suing the virus, I would obviously lose. The virus would mop the floor with me. I want to sue the beer company, and no I don't think that they started the virus either. They did unknowingly cause a kitchen fire in my house, but that's a different story. I have something else against them.

Not too long ago, I saw a commercial for Corona hard seltzer. This is a relatively new thing and I thought it deserved a shot. I am not doing much at the moment. Do I have things to do? Yes. Am I doing them? No. So naturally, corona hard seltzer was bought. Big things were promised in the commercial. I was told that they made the seltzer with "pure beach vibes". My eyes were treated to about five seconds of tropical delight as a voice told me to buy some nonsense. No lie, either I was high off my rocker from the second hand smoke from the neighbors, or they actually put that in the commercial. Obviously cooped up at home in NYC where it's practically illegal to go to the beach, I needed my fix.

There are four flavors: Blackberry Lime, Cherry, Mango, and Lime. I drank some of the Mango flavor of course. I'm not psychotic, if I'm trying to get max beach vibes I'm going with the "summeriest" flavor. To be completely honest, the drink was not what I expected. I clearly mean that in a bad way, due to the title of this "article". It underwhelmed me. That could be because 2020 has been a movie of ridiculous horrors and triumphs, mostly horrors that escalate each passing day where nothing is surprising, or it could just be because the drink isn't that good. Notice I said movie, because much was expected, little was delivered, similar to the stuff Adam Sandler does, but we don't expect that much from him.

Back to the drink. I was promised beach vibes. I did not receive beach vibes. To be fair there was probably something at the bottom of the screen that read "No real beach vibes were used in the creation of this product.", but I feel lied to. I feel as if I have been scammed. I am an American citizen, and like Americans, I need clear signs in order for me to get the message. Then again Americans don't even notice stuff like rampant racism (too real, I am a multi-ethnic person or color; just had to get that out there before I get the lowly coveted "Julius Caesar Treatment") so how can they expect me to notice the hypothetical text at the bottom of the screen.

To conclude, I'll just go back to White Claw. I'll have to call my lawyer to make sure suing is a good option, or at least an option. I need that bag, college is expensive. Corona better not try to sue me for defamation. Nothing I said was incorrect relating to their product. All I did was state my opinion and state that my beach vibes were not delivered. I also might have bullied the American people as a whole through generalizations including a millionaire (who should be fine, those weird movies payed for his big house). Hopefully, all will be well by the time summer actually comes around and I don't have to rely on hard seltzer for beach vibes. On that note, to the three people that read this, please stay home unless you need to go outside. You know I'm no genius, you read the article if you made it to this point. What I do know is that there are limitations and restrictions for a reason. Doing something just because you want to and not because it will be valuable to society as a whole can be reckless. Don't be reckless. Be like me and drink White Claw, the best low risk, low flavor alcoholic beverage. This post was not sponsored, but I will happily accept payment for it. Even if someone pays me to take down the article I will take it. I need the cash. Anyway, now that we hit the minimum requirement for words on this platform, I am done. Thanks.

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Andrew Dixon
See all posts by Andrew Dixon