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The spectrum of sexy

by Carrie Principe about a month ago in Relationships · updated about a month ago
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Who do you want to have sex with?

I might be as heterosexual as we can get, or am I? With Pride month encouraging me to analyze where I fall on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, I put some energy into thinking about my sexual history, and the desires that lead me to the choices I’ve made. I’ve often wondered if I am a lesbian, and I’ve even been on a few dates with women. I’ve also had sexual experiences with women, but the vibe was never right. I can certainly find females attractive, enough to get turned on, but men much more easily turn me on. Perhaps that makes me bisexual? I don’t think I am, because I don’t really want to have sex with a woman, I would much rather entertain a penis.

So, what if you’re not attracted to the opposite sex? Nudged to think even more about sex than usual, I started wondering what it means to be drawn toward someone.

Sexiness is this fluid energy that flows through and between us. We do not have control over our preferences, at least that is what my experience has taught me. When I notice a man and he turns my head, my head is turned all the way. Sometimes it surprises me what gets my attention. Why do some of us struggle to honor our sexual preferences? What do you think is sexy? Who are you drawn to? Think about that as you read on.

Is there a negative force punishing you and telling you that this is something you should be ashamed of? Have you felt comfortable masturbating to this vision, or have you been shamed enough that you have been forced to keep your desires a secret? Does your intimate partner match the description of your preferences?

I think about sex a lot. I’ve always had a high libido; it has been a bit of a curse at times. Having a high libido, and my natural tendencies toward thinking, I’ve always wondered why no one likes talking about sex, one of the most entertaining subjects of all time. Why wouldn’t it be? It is widely desired and fantasized about, and we wouldn’t be here without it. Even some of the most confident and self-assured people that I have crossed paths with have trouble saying the words vagina, penis, and even breast.

Sex is essential in so many ways, and for so many reasons. However, it may ultimately serve a different purpose for everyone. Sex is expressive, satisfying, stress-reducing, and productive. It seems like society has distorted our view of sex to be this dirty thing that people only do, in secret, merely to make babies. Where did it all go sideways? I have an undying desire to understand what all the taboo around sex is.

We’ve all gone through puberty, but offering the confusion that it does, it can leave us in a much different place than where we anticipated being. Puberty activates the hormones that drive the desire to have intercourse. Sex is how humans reproduce and is often the direct result of sex, but it’s not the only result. The desire to have sex is very powerful. The way I see it is the only way the universe could guarantee that there would be a drive to do the thing that causes reproduction, but that really has no bearing on what it is that makes us tick. As a society, I can say with confidence that we have figured out the science of reproduction, even if our execution of it is often dysfunctional.

Sex is such a natural and wonderful thing, and most of us have some level or form of desire for it. We leave our homes in the pursuit of the possibility of crossing paths with someone that finds us as amazing as we find them. Sometimes we even start conversations in hopes that it goes somewhere, like in the bedroom, searching for that perfect blend of personality, appearance, vibe, and chemistry.

For a long time, I saw sex and love as one element. I've learned to see sex and love as these two different energy patterns that are constantly moving, shifting, and intersecting. Love and sex have opposite growth patterns; love is like a seed that creates a flower with the intent of bearing fruit, in a slow, upward motion. Sex is like a bouncy ball that is in constant motion, changing speed and direction without warning. In an ideal situation, they work in a wonderful synergy that builds and becomes something much greater than the sum of the two parts. They are still separate, and it seems to me that it is beneficial to remain that way. You cannot get someone to love you by having sex with them, it’s not a good idea to have sex with someone you don’t love, and pretending to love someone just for sex will likely only lead to heartbreak and misery.

Same-sex relationships were not something that was freely acknowledged in the years of my youth. Perhaps a portion of my experimentation came from wondering what exactly the big deal was. Am I not allowed to find women attractive? There are so many stereotypes involved with same-sex relationships, and honestly, if you are not in one, you shouldn’t have much of a right to say how the relationships should be.

Everyone has a right to their own sexual preferences and has the right not to be judged for it. If there is anything I’ve learned from my own sexual history it is that my tastes are regularly evolving. I now understand that this is a normal and healthy part of the process. There are some physical features that will always get my attention, but most of my energy is spent being attracted to things we are not able to see on the outside.

I’m not sure if I know exactly where I am on the spectrum, but I know I’m somewhere near the hetero side of the rainbow, whichever side that is. It will most likely look different from where you’re standing anyhow. Where are you on the spectrum?


About the author

Carrie Principe

I'm a thinker. Almost ad nauseam. Ok, completely ad nauseam. I like to analyze the why of the why, the what of the what. I write about my feelings, my experience as an empath, and all of the things that go along with that. Please enjoy.

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