Proud to be Bisexual and Proud to be married to a Heterosexual Man.

I didn't come out as bisexual for a really long time. In fact, my own mother has never met any of the girlfriends I had before I married, though she has met many of my past boyfriends (many of who she didn't like!). I didn't even know what bisexuality was when I was young, I just knew that I had an attraction to both men and women that went beyond sex. It was deeply emotional, psychological, sexual and extremely strong. I couldn't describe it or put a name on it. I just knew that I was more than capable of loving both.

It was a girlfriend I met at school who helped me realize that I was bisexual. She too had the same strong attraction to both. I went into denial when she first told me, more so because a girl at school had frequently sexually abused me, and I had been put off relationships with both for a very long time. Me and my then girlfriend got together two years after the abuse, though we were very close and good friends at school. She had a really hard time with me because of the abuse, I was reluctant to accept even friendly gestures such as hugs from both men and women because my mind could only think they wanted sex all the time. In order to understand this, you need to understand more about me.

I have written about the bullying and assaults I endured at school, but there was a boy and a girl at the same school who were also very popular. When I first started school, these two started of as 'friends.' However, I couldn't have been more wrong. They manipulated me and forced me into doing many things I didn't want, and without my consent, the girl would touch my private parts while the boy would force his way into me. They were both teenagers who were very well known, and I was too ashamed to speak about it until I met my girlfriend Karen, who is the only person I have ever intimately confided in over it. This behaviour went on for a long time, until I changed schools after we moved. I never spoke of my sexuality since then, until I met my husband, and I had the additional anxiety of worrying about how my family would accept that.

When I reached my 4th year at high school, I started attempting friendships with both boys and girls. As my feelings and longings for intimacy grew, I found myself strongly attracted to them in more than just sexual ways. I grew strongly close, protective, caring, and often wanted to be near them constantly while at the same time battling with my sexual attraction of which I refused to let out, due to being raped and assaulted all the time. Many of the boys and girls seemed to somehow pick up on this before I was ready to be open about my sexuality. The boys in particular noticed I had a tendency to flirt with both them and girls, though at the time I didn't recognise it at all because I also have a personality that can come across as unintentionally flirty sometimes too. Many of the girls and boys would bully me and taunt me over it. I got called 'weird,' 'the female slut,' 'a whore', and even 'inhumane.' I often got physically hurt for it too. This made me feel like I was wrong in every way. Karen was the only girl that knew about this, but if it hadn't been for her, school would have been a massive nightmare for me. I have mentioned in another article that Karen passed away, so I won't go into that here, because it brings back too much pain.

As I met my husband when I was very ill, and I was still fragile from the abuse I had been through, I did not tell him straight away that I was bisexual. Many of my sexual relations with women once we got older took place behind closed doors and in secret up to meeting my husband. However the bullying and abuse put me off sex with anyone for a long time, and when I did have sex with women, I learned that it had to ' be a long dark secret, never to be told.' As an adult I had incidents where I was raped by men and women, sometimes together and other times alone. I started to hate my sexuality after that. I shut off and pushed away any man and woman who tried to get close to me for years before I married my husband who is heterosexual. However, my sexuality was no secret in my marraige, because after everything the man I married had got me through, I managed to fight the fear and tell him before we got married in 1999.

I was amazed at my husbands reaction. He accepted it in every way, and told me I had nothing to be ashamed off. He even tells me what he thinks of the women I am attracted to, which really helps me know that I am normal (whatever that is!). There are many women who me and my husband are often attracted to at the same time in similar ways, and contrary to popular belief, my sexuality and my husbands attraction does not mean we sleep behind each others back, swing, or sleep with multiple people. We are a very committed couple who understand each other very deeply. In fact, he knows when I am deeply attracted to a woman in many ways because like he tells me, I tell him too. It often adds fun to our marraige because we don't hide it.

Bournemouth's LGBTQ+ community is very well known. I have come out more and grown much more confident with my sexuality here, and I have friends in the community who understand me and accept me as I am. When you become part of the LGBTQ+ community, you realize each and every one of them has suffered the torture of discrimination and bullying for their sexuality. We talk about our sexual orientation a lot, because we help each other to feel more accepted and at ease with it. I've had lots of different people, Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Queer and Bi's all bring my confidence out by telling me their stories. I know there is more in this community, one term I have heard recently is Demi-sexual and another is Pan-sexual, but I am still learning about those. However, I am friendly with people no matter their sexuality because I am not a judgemental person, I base my friendships on personality and kindness, and I hate discrimination of any form. When my husband feels a bit better, he wants to meet some of my friends who are LGBTQ+. He never really got the chance as when he was working, he worked very long hours. I have decided to introduce him because I think it would be great for him to get to know them.

I came out to my husband before we married at my mums house in front of my mum and step-dad. My step-dad passed away a while back from cancer, though he seemed to take it well. I think my mum accepted it, but I also think it was a bit of a shock to her too. I have not told everyone in my family, but they will know when or if they read this.

From a personal point of view, I am really happy today. I am more settled in myself for being able to accept all of me instead of just part of me. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, its a part of you, so live your life in full and embrace it. For me I am proud to be bisexual and proud to be married to a heterosexual man. I 100% have no shame in who I am, who I love or who I am attracted to, because after all 'we are only human,' and real human beings have real feelings.

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You might like to read these articles:

https://vocal.media/humans/i-m-still-learning-about-my-sexuality

https://vocal.media/viva/bullied-for-having-big-breasts

https://vocal.media/psyche/a-true-story-what-it-is-like-to-be-homeless

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