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Love and Other Nonsenses.

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By Celia in UnderlandPublished 2 months ago Updated 2 months ago 4 min read
14

Funny really what inspires you.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sexuality and labels and where I fit into life’s spectrums. Not that it matters much – the language I mean- at the wrong side of forty there’s not really ever been a definition for me of who or what I am and so largely I’ve just lived my life, minding my own business and expecting others to mind theirs. To be fair, I think that’s an entirely reasonable expectation of people.

Though sadly, some seem to think that the world is their personal business – to dictate to at will; demanding that everyone conform to their experiences, genetics and belief systems. Its ludicrous really. The arrogance of that idea - that anyone could think that they are so fundamentally all knowing that they have the right to tell others how to exist in their own bodies and minds.

I just read a piece by a student of mine, Glass Shards- The two interior designers. I am in awe of their self-awareness and steady thoughtfulness. They reminded me of the resilience and beauty of our young people. It is their strength and determination that will drive us forward. They are why I wanted to teach. Why I'm still here in this crazy world of our ,'education system'. It touched me in a way I am not sure I can fully explain, except to say that it is what I wish I could have known or found at their age. A true sense of self and the courage to talk about it. I have written this piece many times - in various forms. I found the resolve to share today because someone much younger and wiser than me showed me the way. And I am sharing because the only way forward is together.

I’m not sure if it’s my era or my Welsh upbringing where feelings are seen as fallacies meant to be buried. Unless of course they conform, but even then, they should be tempered - held tight and out of reach. Afterall, knowledge is power, and the more people know about you – the more they can weild your weaknesses as a hammer to beat you with.

This is neither a coming out or staying in story really. Just a gentle acknowledgment for myself. I don’t feel as I am told I am supposed to feel. The loves of my life have never been romantic or flamboyant. The love I have for my friends who have become my family of choice is profound and deep. Beautiful. But the crushes and the sexual desire is silent. I’ve wondered about it on and off over the years. Thinking my past had damaged me too much to ever view romantic relationships positively. I’ve pondered my own weirdness as if I were a specimen. A bug pinned in a glass case. Finding little of note under the microscope of self-flagellation, I moved on thinking little more of it. Buried myself in work -devoid of the complications of relationships, I’ve had plenty of work to bury myself in. Six feet under and still digging.

It is only through Vocal that I have begun to learn a new language. I didn’t know there were words for me. I’m not sure what difference it makes really; except I suppose where there is a word- you exist- and there are others like you. It’s heartening in a way. Do I personally want to join a group to ramble on about how I feel about not feeling the way society dictates I should? The loss? No. not in the slightest. You can’t miss what you never had. And truthfully, I don’t think its much of anyone else’s business. But for this – If no one speaks their truth, more people will suffer in silent shame – believing themselves to be lesser, a deficit to a dominant force that insists on the lies they created as the standard.

Sexuality is not a definition of humanity. Our actions and the intent in our hearts is the truest measure of a person. And as I continue to learn, that is the only metric I care about - have ever cared about. That will never change.

RelationshipsIdentityHumanity
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About the Creator

Celia in Underland

Just a voice finding its echo. Teacher - reader-writer-cat lover. Wanderer. Weirder than a koala in The Arctic. Magpie for shiny words and stuff. Taking the scenic route home.

Admin @ FB VoIces in Minor

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Comments (9)

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  • River Joyabout a month ago

    🖤

  • PREEEEAAAAACCCHHHH!!! "Sexuality is not a definition of humanity. Our actions and the intent in our hearts is the truest measure of a person." This is the ultimate truth!!!

  • Caroline Craven2 months ago

    All I know is that you write beautifully. And that’s enough for me. I feel there’s so much pressure to label ourselves and put ourselves in boxes. Honestly, I just think being yourself is enough. Great piece Celia.

  • I have a dream, that one day human beings will be judged by the content of their character & not for their sex lives. (Apologies to MLK, Jr.) Bravo, Celia! And bravo, to your student.

  • Oneg In The Arctic2 months ago

    I really appreciate this. Your reflection and introspection. Thank you for sharing this with us

  • Jay Kantor2 months ago

    'C' - The Youngins often 'Teach' us: We wouldn't worry so much about what people thought of us, if we realized how little that they actually did. You, being You...a very good thing. 'j' in l.a.

  • Raymond G. Taylor2 months ago

    Thoughtful and engaging piece about individuality. Love is love and of course nonsense, albeit a beautiful kinda nonsense. Being oneself is the best being. Thanks for sharing

  • Cathy holmes2 months ago

    Beautifully written. This right here "the more they can weld your weaknesses as a hammer to beat you with", I felt this. Well done.

  • Skyler Saunders2 months ago

    By being staunch in your position, you present a transcendence of your sexual self and embrace confidence. You brave the world with confidence and self-knowledge. That’s power.

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