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Dancing Out of the Closet

My playlist of self love

By Mx. Stevie (or Stephen) ColePublished 3 years ago 9 min read
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Uncredited photo of Freddie Mercury and fans/friends, from News Need News website

If there's one thing that would spring first to mind if you ask my loved ones what they think of when they think of me, it's THEATRE. It's not just my job, gentles and lady-men. It's a lifestyle. So, of course, in fitting "me" fashion, when I came out, I did it in public, and I did it to music. I was simultaneously appearing in two musical, and completely queer, productions. So the music that helped me find myself, from those two shows, takes the top spots on my playlist for Pride 2021

(NOTE before we go any further: When it comes from me, the word "Queer" is always a term of pride, never of shame!)

The first was the iconic Broadway rock musical, Rent. For anyone unfamiliar, it takes a heartwarming and heartbreaking look at the 1980's HIV/AIDS crisis through the eyes of a ragtag of queer homeless friends in New York. It won Best Musical, Best Score and Best Book at the Tony Awards, but its creator Jonathan Larson passed away before he saw that happen. At the end of the first preview performance, the audience was silent until one attendee, who had lived through the time depicted, stood up and said quietly, "Thank you, Jonathan Larson".

So first, a few songs from there.

1. Seasons of Love - Rent Cast

Rent tells the story of a year in the life of young people who know it might be their last year alive. So they live it to the full, all 525,600 minutes of it, and measure their lives by how much love they've given and received - no currency or commodity is worth more. This halfway song, that sums up the whole point of the show, is iconic and recognisable worldwide, from its opening piano chords to its swelling ending.

2. La Vie Boheme - Rent Cast

The first act of Rent closes with the whole cast of characters having accepted the fact that they may all soon be gone - and decided to do nothing else about it but squeeze every moment of joy out of every part of life they can. In a story filled with heartbreak, this is a raucous, rebellious celebration of everything that makes life worth living, and I defy you not to dance your derriere off when it plays. It ends with a cheer; and even if it wasn't written that way, the cast would cheer anyway. It's just irresistible.

3. Today 4 U - Rent Cast

Angel - Drag Queen, trans girl or chaotic androgyne, depending on what version of the show you watch - is the worst off of the whole group; homeless, terminally ill, cold, hungry and alone. But Angel is also possibly the most infectiously, irresistibly joyful, hopeful, comedic, romantic, character ever to appear on stage or screen, and not even tragedy is going to stop Angel grasping every bit of colour in every dark day. In this number, Angel takes a fortune of money that could bring an end to some of the misery, and blows it all in one day, on making everyone else's lives just that little bit better. And damn, that drum solo and table top dance!

4. I'll Cover You - Rent Cast (last one from Rent, I promise!)

Angel, just when it was becoming impossible to keep finding something to be joyful about, to stave of the darkness of impending final days, finds true love. And even if it's only one day old, jumps on it with everything - heart, soul, mind and - especially - body. The lucky lover, Tom Collins, is a thinker, dreamer, planner and philosopher; but he cannot resist Angel's temptation to live in the moment, and keep living in the moment, so the moment can last forever, no matter how soon it's gone.

And now for something completely different (but still queer)...

5. Come Away Death - Illyrian Marching Band

A melancholy melody now, for a moment of meditation, from a soundtrack album inspired by the second of the two queer centric shows I was appearing in when I came out - Shakespeare's cross-dressing comedy Twelfth Night. Twelfth Night (the actual day, not the play) was a day of relaxing the rules of polite society for one day, until everything had to go back to normal the next day, in the hope that you would learn to value life through new eyes. So Shakespeare's specially written play for the occasion is a revel of long lost lovers, drunk uncles, and gay sailors. Come Away Death, sung by the all-seeing and all-knowing character, Feste the Jester (possibly my favourite character name in all of Shakespeare) creates a crystalline moment in which Cesario and Orsino - a masculine woman and an effeminate man - stop looking elsewhere and truly see each other for the first time, never looking back.

6. O Mistress Mine - Tommy Steele

For the 1969 TV version of Twelfth Night, chart-topping cockney songbird Tommy Steele played a guitar-toting Feste, and turned this Shakespearean piece of poetry into an infectious toe-tapping ballad celebrating love at first sight, and the moments that live forever even if they're gone in a flash.

7. Hey Jolly Robin (trad folk) - last one from Twelfth Night!

Malvolio the Butler thinks he knows what's best for everyone; gets his fitting come-uppance; and Feste the Jester - one of the victims of his contempt - when Malvolio calls upon him for help to get out of his (well deserved) predicament, instead dances off with a ringing rendition of an old country tune about leaving behind the ones who were meant to love you if they do you no good, leaving Malvolio behind in the dark. An easy and breezy sing-along to teach people who "don't get Shakespeare cos it's hard".

Now for a total change of pace!

8. Rebel Rebel - David Bowie

A song written to get the youth of the day revved up to be who they are, no matter whether anyone understands them or not - by David Bowie, a man who walked his talk if ever there was one. We danced to it at my wedding; we danced to it at a weekly Blues Jam in my local pub - in which the dress code taught me it was okay to express who I truly was and pour beer over anyone who judged me. This was sung in that pub by a man who said it was the only song he really knew how to sing - but he really gave it some. When my wedding came around, most of the attendees were expecting something a bit more in the way of "traditional" wedding dance party music. No chance. They got this.

9. The Show Must Go On - Queen

Rent is a fiction about living to the full when you know you may not have many more days to do it. But if anyone ever truly lived that way in the real world, it was everyone-and-their-mother's queer icon, Freddie Mercury. When I was part of the regular cast of a Pantomime, there would be music playing over the tannoy whenever the performance was not in progress, with certain trigger songs mixed in to let the cast and crew know, when they heard them, that it was time to get ready. This was the main, "it's show time!" number, but it usually backfired - whenever we heard it, instead of getting ready, we'd be belting it out to each other with full on Freddie Mercury mike-grabs and air punches. THEN we would get ready, of course - or else the director, pulling a few more strands of his hair out, would come and make kicking gestures indicating what he's do to our derrieres if we didn't get into the dressing room!

10. The Final Countdown - Europe

This cheesy but chunky hair-metal anthem may not seem to have much to do with Pride or with Pantomime, but hear me out!

It was my first introduction, when I was a kid, to the idea that it could be "manly" to have bouffed up hair, make up, jewellery, and tight leather clothes, and dance. Then as an adult, in the cast of a Pantomime, it returned to haunt me...

Pantomime (or just Panto) is one if those uniquely quirky British things that seems to be having a laugh at the expense of cross dressing - for those unfamiliar with Panto, basically girls play boys and boys play girls in fairy-tale re-enactments every Christmas. BUT, it's sometimes the first introduction to the ideas of gender bending; of people who are made fun of, turning out to be heroes; and of the breaking of barriers so that you get dragged into a fantastic world you once only watched from a distance; that some people ever get. When I was in Panto, it wasn't the comedy roast of those things it was supposed to be - it was a celebration of them. And that's why this song is both a stress trigger and an absolutely undeniable call to action for me, to be myself. It played every night after The Show Must Go On, as the final call for the cast and crew that this was ABSOLUTELY the last minute, the last chance, to be ready, and if we weren't standing right by the door, ready to go out on stage in full make up and costume, by the end of this song, we and the entire production were in trouble. Of course, we spent the duration of the song rocking out to it and swinging our imaginary mullets and air guitars, THEN we got into position. To this day - the panto was years ago now - the moment I hear this song start, my whole body and brain instantly go into adrenaline alert that I'm supposed to be somewhere else. But I love it to death, because that "somewhere else" is the place where I found the chance to play the characters that let out the hidden sides of MY character, using other people to explore who I truly was myself.

In theatre, I found my tribe, I found my vibe, I found my soundtrack, I found my career, I found my true sexuality and gender identity; In other words, I found myself. And I may not be perfect, but I am PROUD.

Culture
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About the Creator

Mx. Stevie (or Stephen) Cole

Genderfluid

Socialist

Actor/actress

Tarot reader

Attracted to magic both practical & impractical

Writer of short stories and philosophical musings

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