I know you're reading this and probably thinking to yourself... story time... REALLY?! Like, what are we, two n shit? Is it nap time? I know, I know. If you really think about it though, a lot of great stories are told and/or happen while passing the dutchie pon da left-hand side LOL. Shit, that had to be where the whole WHY ARE YOU BABYSITTING THE BLUNT and PUFF PUFF PASS comments were created and why? Because somebody was telling a story while holding on to the weed too long. I've been accused of this very crime plenty of times by my best smoke buddies and as much as I know they hate me for it, they also be on the floor crying laughing because I'm that funny when I tell a story.
(Yes I am, shut up LOL!)
On this blog, I want to tell you one of my personal and favorite stories. Personal because it really happened and favorite because to this day it cracks me up when I think about it.
Like Sofia from The Golden Girls used to say "picture it," the year was 1990, I was eighteen and about to go to college in the fall. It was summer time in New York City so the three H's reigned supreme aka heat, haze, and humidity and even at night time, there was no escaping it if you were outside. My mother hated all of my friends and would let them know when I dared to bring them around the house when she was home... but that was the only time they were "legally" allowed to be in my house was when she was home. Of course, when she wasn't home I did what I wanted to do and did my best to make it look like I didn't do anything by the time she got home. Investigator Mom would always check as soon as she got home to see if anything was out of place and ninety nine percent of the time, I would put everything back as it was and she would know nothing! That one percent though is the bitch of a lifetime!
One hot Saturday night, my mother and her best friend were going out to the club, you know, girls night type shit. I decided that once she was gone, I would invite my boyfriend (at the time) Eric, his best friend Jeff, and his girl Sharon over to smoke some weed. If you read my last blog post My Parlay with Mary J, you saw the back story to my introduction to weed and how I met Eric in the first place. This particular incident happened two years after meeting Eric and Mary J. As soon as my mother and best friend left, I called Eric and told him it was okay to come over. Fifteen minutes later, my door bell was ringing and I was opening the door to welcome in my people. I told everyone "head for the living room and get comfortable" then I headed to my room to get my high school year book (used it to crush the weed on). Now, my mother's living room was literally a museum that wasn't visited unless SHE had company so even when I had company they couldn't dare go into the living room... unless you tryna die LOL! That was a no no but she wasn't home so fuck it right?! Once I found the yearbook, I head for the living room and the festivities begin. We rolling, we lighting, we smoking, we passing and of course we talking shit. In one instance though, Jeff reminds me to clean up real good after they leave because as he said "I don't want your momma to kill you for this!" and everyone agreed because everyone knew about my mom and her ways. I immediately backed this statement up with, "Hell yea motherfucker, I damn sure not gonna forget!" and I gotta say... it sounded good at the time. A couple hours later, we were done, they left and I went to sleep. Yes, you read that right. I woke up about an hour later when I heard my mother walk into the house yelling WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?! My inner voice immediately yelled BITCH YOU FORGOT TO CLEAN UP! Damn it! Next thing I know my mom is in my room showing me the ash tray filled with blunt roaches and asking me for a full report.
What did my high mind tell you me to say you ask?!
"I found that in the living room ma, I meant to throw it away and forgot."
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY?! is what both she and my inner voice said to me.
"I found it. I went in the living room to watch TV in there and when I was leaving I found it and forgot to throw it away."
By this time, both my mother and her best friend are looking at me incredulously and attempting to figure out the size of my balls... because they had to be pretty big to come up with that stupid excuse AND say it out loud.
Like really?! Do I look stupid? is what I pictured my mother saying to herself as she stood there and stared at me and waiting for me to flinch. I didn't. I was tired, high as fuck, and I was sticking to my story. I don't give a fuck to the highest power. Then a small yet insignificant breakthrough came about. My mother turned to her best friend and asked her, "Yo, that guy that you came with... wasn't he sitting in the living room by himself?" This automatically made me remember that oh yes... best friend brought a guy and he was alone in the living room... all by himself... how convenient for me. Best friend answered, "Oh yea but he wouldn't just light up in your house without asking and if he did we would've smelled it before we left." Damn it, shot down quick! But because I included a bit of doubt with my bullshit ass excuse, they literally walked away from me and let me go back to sleep. Later on that day when I told Eric and Jeff what happened, they couldn't stop laughing at my excuse!