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Why can’t you see me?

by Lissa Jean Johnson 3 months ago in sad poetry
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Does it get better?

When you look at me what do you see?

Is it my smile?

People tell me that my smile is beautiful.

Do they know that my smile has been my saving grace, something I have always hid behind?

When I smile, you can’t see the pain that is slowly killing me.

Is it in my eyes?

People say I have beautiful blue eyes.

Do they know the evils I have seen with these eyes?

When I look at you, I am looking at you.

Is it in the way I carry myself?

People say I am confident.

Do they know my confidence was literally taken away from me and I still struggle?

When I walk with my shoulders back, can they see how much I am breaking inside, how I am barely hanging on?

Is it in the way I listen to you?

People say I can understand them better than others.

Do they know that no one ever understood me?

When I sit there taking in everything you say, it’s because I tried screaming for someone, anyone to listen to me. With it always falling onto deaf ears.

Is it in the way I parent the two most important souls to me?

People say I am a really good mom.

Do they know I doubt myself everyday, that I feel as if I am failing them?

Do they know the only thing I can offer my children is my time, unconditional love, knowledge, and patience?

People say I have a good soul.

Do they know how hard I had to work to find myself?

Do they know the trauma, pain, & abuse I grew up in?

Can they see the breakdowns when I leave the house alone?

Can they see that I am barely hanging on by a thread?

When does it get better?

I left an abusive mother and stepfather.

When does it get better?

I left a husband who saw too many evils of his own, and his soul is tainted.

When does it get better?

I now live in a room, paying every last cent I get, to make sure I have a safe place for my kids to lay their heads down when they are with me.

When does it get better?

I continue to put on a smile, to protect my children.

I allowed myself to be manipulated through the divorce process.

While my ex lives in his new home, with a girlfriend competing against my 11 year old for his attention, I am crumbling inside.

When does it get better?

How did I break any cycles?

You say I understand you.

Why can’t you understand me?

Why can I lie to you through a smile?

Why can’t you see the hurt in my eyes?

Why can’t you see that I only carry myself like this because I have no other choice.

Why can’t you hear the literal words I am speaking to you?

Does it get better?

I am a fighter.

I won’t give up.

I will keep fighting for my children.

Please answer me, does it get better?

sad poetry

About the author

Lissa Jean Johnson

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

I broke free from a toxic mother & step-father at 28 with the help of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

While going through therapy, I wrote a book; The Trauma That Made Me.

My writing has become my voice.

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Comments (1)

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  • FD Ravenskraft about a month ago

    hello Lissa. I read a couple of your posts and I really enjoy them. I am also a survivor of child abuse and I was 19 when the cause stopped. I'm 46 now and I tell you, just by reading this post. you're very brave to express yourself and how life is taken you. thank you for posting this

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