What it's like living with a brain that is always against you

I live in a constant state of anxiety and depression

My chest is the cave that houses my PTSD

I am always able to smile but never fully understand what's wrong with me

I've learned what my emotions mean

Just not why I have them with such strong effect

Nor do I know why my emotions suddenly change on me

I could be having the best time, sitting with my family or just enjoying the weather

The only way to describe what happens is a faulty switch flips and my whole day is ruined

So sad to the point that I'm livid

So mad that all I can do is hold back stinging tears

Hold them back because I don't want to cry

Sitting there with a blank empty stare

My vessel completely vacante

My mouth foreclosed to speak and get help

I don't want to feel like this

I absolutely hate that my brain is against me

When I've done nothing to deserve such abrupt and awful thoughts

Whisping through my train of thought

Crashing and ruining all my hard work like it's nothing

Like all that I do to help myself achieve a level of content with myself

Is somehow offensive to the wiring of my brain

Me wanting to be healthy mentally makes my invisible issue that much worse

So badly I want to give up and let it consume me entirely

But I love to smile, and laugh

I want to have that stability over myself so I don't feel like an empty shell

I want it so bad that if it means I have no choice but to feel this awful feeling of defeat

Only once a day only for a deep fleeting moment then I have no choice

I have to keep trying then maybe

Just maybe that little shred of hope I hold to get better

Will finally come for me

then at that point I'll be able to say I'm at peace with myself