What do you do

What do you do when all you think about is suicide?

You never tell your friends what you plan to do tonight

Probably the same thing you did last night

It's a sad life

When your best friend's a black knife

And you

Press it to your wrist harder and harder

Trying to get the artery

But it's so hard to begin

And you

Start your suicide note with "I'm sorry"

And then you tear it apart

So you can start it again

And the

Blood runs hot, but you feel so cold

And then you think about your mother and your father and friends

So you

Grind it up, but there's still no peace

You hit the bottom of the bottle

And there's still no sleep

And the

Voice that's in my head

Keeps telling me I'm worthless

I don't deserve even mercy

And the

Voice that's in my head

Keeps telling me that I deserve to die

I live a worthless life

What do you do when all you think about is suicide?

They tell you that you shouldn't choose to die

But who decides?

They only look at you through foolish eyes

They could never begin to understand

The feelings that you've got cooped inside

It's like you woke up in a darkness you can't escape

Feeling heartless and full of hate

Your apartment's a cage

And you start to decay

You start drifting farther

And farther

Away

And the

Voice that's in my head

Keeps telling me I'm worthless

I don't deserve even mercy

And the

Voice that's in my head

Keeps telling me that I deserve to die

I live a worthless life

I wrote this more than a decade ago. I'd like to use this opportunity to talk a little bit about how poetry has been a great way for me to release and express some of my hardest and most painful emotions. In my late teens and early twenties, I often flirted with the idea of suicide. I cut myself often and live every day with the scars. I even went so far as to purchase a gun and tried on many drunken nights to pull the trigger, but I just could never bring myself to do it, and I'm so happy that I managed to pull through.

Poetry was always there for me when I felt like I was alone and had nobody to turn to. I could write out my thoughts in a way that made sense to me and I could publish them online and get support from other poets who had similar feelings or who even interpreted my words in ways I couldn't have. There was a lot of good that came to me because of that. I learned a lot of new things about the way I was feeling and the roots of those emotions. I learned that I had been turning my anger inward and that my hatred for myself was a hatred of my inability to express myself in a healthy way to the people who were making me upset or annoying me or whatever. I would bottle up those feelings and then spend my time creating arguments in my mind with those people and even with myself. I would fantasize about killing myself to spite those people, just to make them feel as bad as I felt.

If I hadn't had the creative outlet of poetry, I might have followed through with my fantasies. Just this one small outlet for those emotions gave me enough relief to overcome. It gave me something else to think about, and it gave me something I could take pride in, something to create instead of thinking of all the things I wanted to destroy. And it gave me a way to connect with other people.

I encourage anybody who is struggling with anger and depression and suicide to find a healthy way to express those feelings. Whether you write them down in poetry, have a conversation with a loved one, or even just discuss them with a stranger who will listen and understand. Keeping those feelings to myself hurt me and caused me to hurt myself.

I'm happy now, and I'm very grateful to myself for putting faith in time and personal growth as ways to overcome. The hardest times of my life are past me and I don't have to live with those feelings any more. And, I know I can't predict the future, but I also feel certain that I'm ready and able to deal with any hard times that may come to me later.

There are many people struggling with very similar feelings silently, and while we may not all be able to solve each others problems, we can listen. So if you're hurting, please find someone who will listen. Please express those emotions, and don't let them remain bottled up. Don't ever hurt yourself because others have hurt you, and don't hurt others either. What heals us is love and compassion and patience, with others and with ourselves.