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What Do I do?

A Question of Whether My Sanity Is Intact

By Meggen Olson Published 3 months ago 2 min read
What Do I do?
Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabona on Unsplash

Be advised: This poem mentions suicidal ideation and self-harm. Please read this at your own discretion and know that if you're experiencing mental health issues, my heart is with you. Take it easy my friend and I'll see you in the next one.

Note: This poem is a story about the aftermath of a fight I had with a relative of mine several years ago. I had a severe relapse in my mental health journey, to the point that I really thought I wasn't going to make it through in one piece. This is deeply personal so please be kind if you're going to comment. Thank you.

What do I do when my body is present, but my brain isn’t there?

Lay on my bed and pretend I don’t care

My eyes can’t be trusted, neither can my brain

but it’s just so like you to cause me this kind of pain

The adrenaline’s kicking and I can’t calm it down

The shaking, then aching and jumping at every sound

There’s coldness in there to but that comes at the end

When everything’s over and the words have been spent

I’ll then start planning my death

In how many pills I can take and digest

How bad would it hurt if I slashed my wrists

Where would the cut go, would I need to make a fist?

Who’d take care of my nephews

And check in with Dad

Who’d tell them I’ loved them whoever they felt sad

Who’d write my blog and read my cards

Who’d tell my friends that I’m laughing in a sky full of stars?

See I d want that person to be me

But that part is difficult when you have l attacks of anxiety

Depression is an feeling that can only be defined

As an absence of everything; you’re locked in your mind

I’d never felt so fragile as I did that day

Never so painfully weak

But you stole it all from me that day

My light and the words I had a right to speak.


About the Creator

Meggen Olson

Hey guys. My name is Meg. I'm a writer, artist and tarot reading based in SoCal. I love writing and hope to share my work with you in this way. Please enjoy and let me know if you have any feedback for me. I'm happy to help where I can.

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