Toxicity

I should have seen it then;

When you used to walk through the streets at three in the morning and ask me which bridge would carry us furthest into the star-littered sky.

When you would refuse every jagged little pill as if it were an offence that it needed to be taken - "but I don't want to feel happy."

As if inflicting misery was your sole purpose. As if to sink your hooks deeper into those around you. As if we were all being drowned so you could gasp for air.

I should have seen it then;

In every mention of weight, of calories, around our friend with a eating disorder. Just so you could see the guilt flood their eyes.

In every time you just tried to trap any man who showed you a kindness and you mistook it for avarice.

In the way you'd drink until you needed to be carried home. Until you were the boulder to my Sisyphus.

I should have seen it then;

In the reluctance to let go when I moved away. In the obsession - as if my name were a promise to be kept to your heart. As if I were trying to make some fondness grow.

When you tried to collar another boy into your bed when you knew he was heading home to his lover.

I should have seen it then.

But this old soul only wanted the best. We all wanted the best for you and you used us as kindling to keep yourself warm - all of us, sacrificed to the cold for the sake of you.

We should have seen it then... we should have known better.