Too Much

Everything is so close to the surface right now,

Behind my eyes,

Clinging to the back of my throat

Rising through my chest until it gets too high and I have to push it down

Again

Every little thing sets me off

Sensory overload punching me in the gut as every sound and sensation gets

Too Much

I have to think about every inhalation

Or risk hyperventilation

And I would deal with these feelings and thoughts,

Except I’m wearing mascara

And I don’t want to re-do it

I’m also not through my list yet

It keeps growing, swallowing up my time until I blink and its midnight.

That can’t be right

All I want is to crawl into bed and cry

But my bedding is in the dryer

And I know that if I hide now,

If I cry now

If my eyes overflow now

I won’t be myself again until the day after tomorrow

Because tomorrow will be spent trying to recover from today

And I feel as though I shouldn’t have to recover,

Covering myself in blankets and staying in bed all day

There’s no way that’s healthy

And there’s no catharsis from screaming inside my own head

I know I should just go to bed

But I have too much To Do

And the nightmares I had last night are still circling in the back of my mind

Never-mind that I’m done

I’m exhausted, but I can’t be done yet

I don’t even remember the last time I watched the sunset

Everything is too much, too close, too loud, too bright,

I thought it was supposed to get dark at night

Maybe I shouldn’t be trying to handle everything at once

Maybe I should sleep

Maybe I should cry

Maybe I should eat something, I don’t remember why

I’m doing everything by myself

I’m faking every interaction because if I fracture now

I’ll fall apart

And I’m not letting myself ask for support

My throat is constricting but I make myself speak

“No problem!” “No worries!”

I am far up this creek by now

My mood swings up and down

I wish I could just lie down

Instead I’m keeping myself together by threads,

Pulling my hair out to tie off loose ends

Stitching with scratches and running on fumes,

My skin is revolting and itching and bruised,

Now might be the time to eat everything in sight,

I’ll hate myself later, by the time that it’s light out, but baggy clothes

Are the only filter I need

And I’ve already decided which crutches I’ll leave in the dark

Too much

Everything is Too Much

Everything aches,

And I am shaking from frustration and

Freezing in a perfectly warm house

I want to wash my face and break

Down already,

Hug myself before I drown in Too Much

Crush everything until everything inside me is dust

I want release

I want peace

I want silence and warmth

I want to cuddle with someone until I fall asleep

And don’t dream

Screaming into my pillow isn’t enough,

It’s be tough and fake it

Make it ok

Lie to myself;

You’ll get done today

Everything is so close to the surface right now,

Behind my eyes,

Clinging to the back of my throat

Rising through my chest until it gets too high and I have to push it down

Again