Today

Today

There are so many reasons I do it. To be frank I don’t entirely know myself.

Today, I thought of you. I thought of all the adventures we went on. The long drives to the mountains, hiking, and laughing how we need to quit smoking. I thought of all the music we sang along to. I never thought then how odd it was. After all I was 22 and you were 36. I thought you were my best friend. I I felt so safe during our honest conversations about life and our pasts. Isn't that what friends do? How silly was I to think it wasn’t anything more... I was foolish.

You see I have a past, but I won’t tell you now... No I can’t tell you now. But maybe then you will understand one day if I do today.

Today I thought of you. I thought of the day we spent with our mutual friend. The drunken night and our a french fry fight. I thought of when you invited me out. I trusted you because you knew my best friend. I remember you picked me up and drove me to the bar where we met the others. None of them I knew, but I trusted you. We drank until the bar closed and we drank while they were driving, making a pit stop where I should've ran then. At your friends’ house…I thought of you. In the morning I woke up with a black eye and wearing someone else clothes. I found red vomit all over my room and house. Yet to this day I still don’t know what happened that night... everyone refuses to say what actually happened. That was 6 years ago now.

Nobody wants to know your truth. no one will listen, yet they watch drama films. People won’t accept reality, they'd rather feel through fiction. I rarely speak and when I do, no one can hear me. All I have is a page for you so you can decide if you want it to be fact or fiction... Whatever is easier to digest. Even if I had the approval, some sick validation, it won’t change anything, it won't change the truth.

Today, I thought of you... I saw you in the mirror. I decided today that I’m going to love you. I thought of all the wonderful things you’ve done. I thought of your son, your pride and joy, the immense love you hold within.

Today, I thought of you, I thought of all the tears, the anger and all of the ways to numb. I thought of the days you bled, and all the bottles of pills you have downed.

Then...

I thought of how loved you are. I thought of all the months spent in the hospital. I thought of all the hours you fight everyday...Despite what anyone says.

Today, I thought of you, I thought of all the times you wanted to die, and how happy that you’re alive.