Thoughts of an Unfeeling Woman

I look out the window of my cabin

Jasmine blooms in early spring

The truck and trailer parked in front add to the ambiance

It’s real, not romantic, but comforting

These are the thoughts of an unfeeling woman

I have no expression of my mood, the words never come

But I feel the things that I need to feel, those that anchor me

Love, passion, anger, and hurt

Not joined, not connected, but centering me in my place

That is the order in which they arrive in my mind

But they have no order, no one before the other

Each feeling is separate from the other

Unique unto themselves

These are the thoughts of an unfeeling woman

I feel no variance, no shade of grey

But I will tell you honestly that I feel each one deeply

To my bone-shattering core, they can be overwhelming

The depth of each feeling, when touched upon feels deeper than an abyss

Ready to swallow me whole, but I don’t let it, I have control

These are the thoughts of an unfeeling woman

That’s the key, the missing piece – I have control

Unless I flip the switch to on, I experience nothing

An observer of the life around me, disconnected, disengaged

I see it, I hear it, but I don’t experience it

Like a deep diver in a dry suit –

Insulated from the world around, but with clear sight of my environment

I’m there, but yet not there, a voyeur

It must be nice, you muse, not to be wounded 10 times a day

To have a respite from the interchanges with others

Callously saying or doing the things that damage you most

It is, it’s calm, it’s quiet but ultimately lonely

That’s the trade-off, sweet isolation versus loneliness

Most consider those two words kindred spirits, but they’re not

Isolation is sweet protection, but just like any castle,

It can be lonely if you don’t let anyone through the gates

These are the thoughts of an unfeeling woman

I choose to live with my switch on

Though for many years it was off completely

I don’t feel all things, probably because I haven’t practiced

But I do feel love, passion, anger, and hurt

And I feel them deeply, overwhelmingly

These are the only ones I can handle, and barely at that

These are the thoughts of an unfeeling woman