Those big blue eyes

Its 5 am

I know what that means

when the snooze button can no longer be indulged

when my duvet can hide me no longer

I know what that means

I'm going to work

If my gait wasn't slow enough

The constant glare of drivers as they passed me by said it all.

I never know if I can make it through 12 hours

Yet as I walk out of the elevator to level 2

I tell myself otherwise

I have this! I can do this!

I skedaddle into my pod to get report

And waiting for me to feed him is the biggest bluest eyes I ever saw.

He is crying now. He wants food.

But his chart reads N.P.O

I know what that means

I'm so sorry love I say to him

no food for you today.

I try to settle him down. nothing is working

He looks at me trying to tell me something

He is grimacing now

He needs something for pain

I call the doctor, he orders morphine

I give the morphine

His crying has stopped now

Like a toss of a curtain, His big blue eyes are out of sight

All that's heard is the see-saw rhythm of his congested breath

I go in to take his temp.

He is so cold so I decide to bundle him up

When suddenly he is frozen in place

His breath sounds - gone!

His off-pink flushed colour - gone!

All I see is a boy so grey and lifeless

In a blink panic awakens

I'm afraid now

I call for help

Code blue! code blue!

We are bagging him now

we start giving him meds

Atropine - in

Fentanyl - in

Succinylcholine - in

He is getting intubated now

My mind is racing , my heart praying

please be okay! please be fine!

I am giving report now

I am checking everything

and then I see - the numbers don't add up

I gave too much morphine

oh no ! did I cause this?

Everyone is saying no

He's been going down for a bit they say

He needs surgery they say

This only contributed to it , nothing more they say

He is fine now.

But I am not

because all I can think about

is the fear I felt

of never seeing those big blue eyes again.

- desoba__