This is Not for You

This is not a cry for help. Stop reading. You don't need to know what I'm struggling with. As far as you're concerned, I'm fine.

Why should you know anything about me? It's not my fault I'm struggling. I do nothing but try yet it's never good enough. Why should you know any of that? It's not your business. Quit reading.

This is my journal of a life struggle. I apply and apply yet no one is hiring while I run and run yet the wheel keeps turning and I get nothing but leg cramps and discouragement. My troubles amount to nothing but pain and I can't hold them up because, no, I'm not that strong--quit thinking I'm independent and telling me that I "know everything."

I'm twenty-three. The only thing I know is that I only think I know things and am often proven wrong. Which is Fine. It's totally Fine. I'm Fine.

I'm stressed, in over my head, and am drowning in the open air around me. It's miles and miles of open, clear air and I can't breathe or even think.

No. This is not a Letter To You. I write this solely for me and myself alone because at the end of the day I write for myself because I am selfish. I write to think things through and if you just happen to see it than that's fine but don't be mistaken because this isn't for you.

My heart is breaking and I'm being drawn and quartered by pomp and circumstance and there's nothing I can do but sit down at the keyboard and bleed.

They told me I'd do great things and that I was "going places" but no one ever told me there would be times when I got stuck not moving. Not growing and being too afraid to reach for fear of more bruises on my arms.

I'm okay with the pain. I can handle the stagnation. I exist and therefore I struggle but does it always have to feel like I'm failing? Must life always feel like I'm running face-first into a brick wall with no regard for the scrapes I know I'm getting?

Does it always hurt?

Is it always this frustrating?

Will it always be like this?

I can handle if it is, I'd just like to know in advance. It feels more and more like life is an hourglass and try as I might I just can't slow the sand that's falling on my head and burying me as everyone moves by. But that's Fine. I'll be Fine. i'm Fine.

i'm totally fine. stop asking.

anyway, i just want to know if it stops being difficult. does it ever get easier? i just want a nap. i want to not be stressed but the world keeps moving whether i take a break or not and if i stop i'll just be more behind when i pick back up. don't tell me to take a break because that won't fix anything...except maybe the nap issue.

My life has become the aftermath of an earthquake and all I have to fix it is band-aids and school glue. Please don't ask me to fix it. Right now I'm doing well to get by and keep moving. I patch the holes as I see them but sooner or later this tsunami will break the dam and I Will be swept away with the tide. It won't be today. But it's coming. I can feel the storm in the air, like lightning waiting to strike. My only hope is that when the storm hits land, I'm not dragged out to sea.