#The5thYearHealing: A Self-Relinquishing

I noticed a peculiar blue light shining through the little window of the bathroom in my new-old house. The color was too cool to be light from the rose gold glow of the neighborhood street lamps, so I stopped.

The neighbor just trimmed a "The Secret Garden" caliber of an overgrown thicket of dead branches dividing my house from his. I think to myself that surely that can't be the moon, I am not that lucky to see the moon from any window of my new-old, big-little house. I open the window.

Hello, Moon.

So lovely. Puts all of the other beautiful things to shame. Makes me bashful. I guess that's why I don't look at her more often.

For decades, I've longed for a window to sit by so that I can gaze up through the window because that's what's it's like in the best childhood storybooks. One of my bedroom windows is facing this moon too. Sounds like I've been gifted with another alter. Bless.

Later I find myself bowing face-down on the kitchen floor to ancestors. I've unintentionally made a habit of saying things like "I don't know how I've made it this far." Never again.

It's my ancestors.

Their centuries of anguish to make my tungsten frame of a soul. All I want is to be more like them. I realize now that I do not care about anything else, and the revelation is somethin' powerful; a liberation.

I've been praying for a massive purge before hitting the age of 30 so that my 30's can be a space that allows,

Every. Single. Bit. Of the Love. My Soul. Deserves. All of me:

The one was nearly drowned by a mother. Ironic how I have an infinity with water now that I think of it.

The one that was abused and shattered over and over again.

The one that was raped, then shunned, then ridiculed.

The one that was scared and just wanted to be held.

The one that's been sabotaged.

The one that's been rejected.

The Child Self that just really needs me right now. Because I've been broken over and over and over again, so the longing for a just little happiness runs deep and humble like a silver thread in the bottom of a valley.

It's official: everything is gone but my desire to be more like ancestors.

Everything.

So for the record or for those who've been asking for me during my hiatus:

I'm not "gone," but I'm definitely no longer "here."

#The5thYearHealing