The Timeline of a Bisexual Woman

1. Discovering who you are your sophomore year of high school, when homophobia was just a fleeting thought and not a claustrophobic box.

2. Telling your boyfriend at the time and him saying, "If you ever left me for a woman that would be the ultimate embarrassment." and "You're opening doors to the devil." There were no doors. Just the real you.

3. Using "I was just kidding, but nice to know where you stand" as an Uno reverse card. It fuels his anger, but at least he can't hate what he can't see.

4. Convincing yourself that you are straight, because bisexual women in the media are sex-crazed and that's not you. Also, the girls on Friends say they find each other attractive casualty so that's what this must be: casual.

5. You're in a junior college for your associates. A beautiful girl gives you answers to a test you didn't study for. The next class day you're running late so you repay her with a banana nut muffin from the campus store. She tells you she's a vegan so she'll give it to her friend, but she wants to see you at Smoothie Plus later. You go there after class, but she doesn't show. You're disappointed and you start to realize why.

6. No straight girl is that emotionally invested in Bubbline from Adventure Time.

7. You remember that back in fifth grade you changed the way you wrote your a's to impress a girl that scared you too much to talk to her. You still write them the same way today. That hasn't changed.

8. You remember watching your father's movies behind the couch when you were a bit too young to watch rated R movies. Sure, you liked the action, but you really just thought the girls in them were interesting. You didn't wonder at the time why you felt like you needed to hide.

9. When one of your best friends sits on your lap and another gets too close, you start to feel like you're only meant for temporary companionship. If they found out about you, they'll treat you like the guys that follow them home. The box you're in becomes smaller.

10. You fly a thousand miles by yourself for a guy you knew when you were younger. You loved him, but you're still too young and he's in a different place from you. It didn't work out but telling your friends all the details felt like you would be erasing the chance for them to silently discover who you are.

11. You hope to be seen, but hope so badly to not be seen too.

12. You realize you hide ordinary things that you love from the people you love. Mundane things like loving to write gets stored away in tiny boxes. Secrecy becomes a habit.

13. You learn to hate the boxes. It takes every bit of courage to tell your mother on your back porch. You're sobbing more tears than you knew you could produce. She doesn't know what to say and just stares at your raw exposed heart. You tell her that she can leave if she wanted, because her silence is deafening. She does without question. You're too ashamed to look her in the eye for a while.

14. Your father is being scary again so you and your sister go for a walk at night. She tells you casually how he laughs at bisexuality and how he's wrong. You think you can tell her, but you don't. You stay silent and just enjoy the moonlight, ignoring the tiny tears forming at the corners of your eyes.

15. You're working on your bachelors now. You go on a study abroad and fall for a girl with eyes you don't want to look away from. She's in a box all her own with toxic defense mechanisms duct taping her inside. Sometimes you think of her and daydream about never having to live in boxes at all.

16. Your friends take you on a short road trip to a haunted house before yours starts up again. Everyone is laughing and it's nice to catch up. There's something on your feed that makes you think the girl you liked has moved on. You cry without having a room to run to. Your friends try to comfort you, but it's hard to treat a wound you won't let them see.

17. You have a counselor talk to you about your problems. You respect her and tell her about just about every issue except this one. Playing the Russian roulette of "Will she accept me?" or "Will she say there are devils enclosing my heart?" is a game you don't want to play.

18. Your mother is in the kitchen while you're in the living room. She starts talking about your future husband, but corrects herself and says "spouse". You wait until you can sneak back into your room to cry. It feels like release.

19. You volunteer at a summer camp that is very accepting. You text your friend about who you are, but the connection is bad so you'll never know how they reacted. They treat you the same as before so to celebrate, you make a friendship bracelet for yourself with the bisexual colors. Still, you can't help but hide it out of habit. It feels wrong to be proud of something that isn't fully anything.

20. You lost your bisexual pin you purchased from Etsy in the cracks of your counselor's couch cushions. She returns it to you with a smile and a "I thought this belongs to you." You're uncomfortable being seen, but so thankful to have someone to see you.

21. You wrestle with one of your close friends in a bounce house to prove that you are the stronger one. Your own hubris keeps you going back for rematch after rematch. Afterwards, you obsess over the fact that if you do tell the world who you are one day, everyone will write your own narrative. You'll be thrown into the world of not being able to have platonic relationships with those of the same sex and straight guys will tell the tale of what they saw versus the truth. The fear of isolation lingers on the words you keep to yourself.

22. Stories of people being confident in their own skin emerge in the media. They are proud enough to leave their boxes in the recycling bin and let no one else define who they are. Stephanie Beatriz says the word "bisexuality" on television and you learn to love yourself again.

23. You share your story with strangers on the internet. The fear that once controlled you is more something you can hold in your palms and analyze now. Every baby step feels like you're going in the right direction and you can finally say you're proud of who you are. No one can change that.