The Funeral of The King of Shit

The ravens cawed and the bell had tolled,

And the hated man released his hold,

On life, on suffering, on pain and displeasure,

The value of his life was hard to measure.

Not particularly rich but he had it all,

He did as he pleased without protocol.

But one cannot live a life as he enjoyed,

Without leaving a few others quite annoyed.

Before he went off into that beautiful night,

He had a plan that was sure to ignite,

Cathartic rage in those who hated him so,

A crisis of sorts to test their egos.

His current Queen helped with his scheme,

As per his instructions and his last dream.

On the invitations she wrote with clever wit,

“Come one, Come all, to The Funeral of The King of Shit.”

The invitations were sent, and word had spread,

Soon the whole town knew The King was dead.

They came in droves to see him off,

“May he burn in hell!” His haters scoffed.

They were in for the first shock of the night,

When they were subjected to a painful sight,

The King sat there, smugly, in all his splendor,

A corpse on a toilet bowl was quite the offender.

But unnerving still more than that,

He wore a dirty tinfoil crown as a hat,

And on his face plain to see,

Was a painted red smile grinning affably.

But of his clothes there something surely wrong.

He was almost nude except for a purple thong,

And above his head a banner had read,

“The King of Shit is finally dead!”

His Queen stood beside her King of late,

And addressed the guests as his advocate,

“You came to see with your own eyes,

The death of The King whom you despise.”

“As you can see The King was quite unique,

He was never one to accept critique.

So, drink and be merry, the booze is free,

The King was quite generous, you might agree.”

At this the rowdy crowd began to stir,

“Generous you say? Well, we don’t concur.

He was an animal, a brute, and all sorts of mad,

Don’t get confused, of his death we’re surely glad.”

“And what is all this ‘King’ business about?

He was never royalty; he was just a lout.

Breaking the rules and behaving as he did,

Clearly his ego couldn’t control his id.”

“But you’re right about shit, that part’s true,

The man was clearly insane, we can’t argue.

To hold such a funeral of this style,

Demonstrates this man’s bizarre profile.”

“Nevertheless,” The Queen had said,

“I was there with him on his deathbed.

He wanted to prove that he loved you so,

And for some of you he has gifts to bestow.”

Every guest sat with bated breath and rapt attention,

Thinking their names should get a mention.

Their Greedy minds were suddenly curious,

Momentarily, they were left less furious.

“Is there an Old Kim in the crowd?”

The Queen had called out loud.

And with a visage of leather and old of age,

The seafood merchant stood up, looking assuaged.

The crowd rumbled their discontent,

Old Kim was often viewed as a malcontent.

A chain smoker, as if it were her profession,

She greeted mostly everyone with aggression.

Why would the king give her a gift?

Was she getting money, or perhaps a face lift?

They hated each other, The King and She,

She would often blame him for her anxiety.

But now that she heard a present was due,

With crocodile tears and angelic virtue,

She looked upon everyone else with scorn,

And reminded them they were there to mourn.

“I knew him well, you might not know,

It’s perfectly sensible why, to me, he’d bestow,

A gift to apologize for years of being so cruel,

It had better be money, but I’ll gladly accept jewels.”

“It’s neither of the above,” said the Queen,

“I’m afraid The King is still quite mean.”

From a box she pulled out only one thing,

And displayed an abysmal wooden carving.

It had bulbous black eyes and spotty grey skin,

An old wooden toad working the violin.

And that old angelic act Old Kim had played,

She decided not to continue her masquerade.

“The King had said you ought to recognize,

What this strange object will satirize.

Ugly and miserable it’s just like your soul,

When you heard he was dying you had no console.”

“But the real reason he gave this to you,

Surely one of your fellow guests can construe,

The connection between you and it,

Really is quite funny, you must admit.”

“That man was pure evil!” Old Kim had cried,

Everyone else just looked at it mystified.

But Ryan the butcher boy stood up with glee,

“It looks like Old Kim, don't 'cha see?”

The rest of the crowd rolled with mirth,

“Now we see that hideous thing’s worth.”

Old Kim had no choice but to return to her seat,

And accepted her fate as pure defeat.

The Queen tapped the side of her glass,

And stole back the attention of the mass.

“Let’s move on to all the rest,

There are still a few gifts to be addressed.”

“The butcher boy, you’re actually next.”

Ryan, no longer laughing, looked perplexed.

“I can’t think of any gift from him I could possibly require,

What kind of funeral did you and he conspire?”

“This ‘King’ and I were not friends,

Nothing he can give me will make amends.

Whoring and Drinking left his life quite depraved.

I changed my ways and learned to behave.”

“This wicked man didn’t care in the slightest bit,

Is that why he called himself The King of Shit?

Selfish lies and cheating were his way of life,

And I’m sure he’s paying for it in the afterlife.”

“As bad as I was, I was never as bad as he,

I kicked the hooch and earned my degree.

But changing my life didn't make it any less crappy,

It's not fair that he got to be so happy.”

Groans from the crowd showed their pain,

Ryan’s self-promoting only brought disdain.

“Give us a break, stop wasting our time,

Your narcissistic ramblings ought to be a crime.”

The Queen held up her hands closed tight,

And revealed to the crowd a diamond bright.

“The King left this for you, it’s a pretty fetch,

But don’t smile yet, there is a deadly catch.”

Her other hand opened to display,

A tiny bottle of the finest cabernet.

Tasty and smooth, the purity was absolute,

It was The King’s favorite drink to boot.

“You blame The King for your tragic state,

And if he is truly to blame, he will abdicate.

You’re a ‘good boy’ and want recognition,

Now’s your chance to prove your audition.”

“To gain the prize meet The King’s condition,

Drink the wine, and release your inhibitions.

Choose not to drink and live in austerity,

Then the diamond will just go to charity.”

She finished her speech and Ryan sighed,

Part of his soul had surely died.

His subconscious told him to beware,

But the wine whispered words of a lover’s affair.

Every ear waited to hear Ryan’s reply,

Would he accept, walk away, or simply cry?

Despite all his holier-than-thou boasts,

He drank the wine as per the condition of his host.

“Hypocrite, Hypocrite!” The guests all cried,

“You’re no better than this king who died.”

Ryan slid back into his place,

He clenched his diamond but hid his face.

Now the King’s plan was bearing fruit,

They drank and ranted then began to dispute.

Miserable souls who will never find peace,

Society’s hold on them would never cease.

There was only one gift left to award,

A real doozy for the one the King abhorred.

The Queen threw back her head and called a name,

“Padre Kal, also known as Father Shame.”

The Padre stood up and puffed his chest,

And wasted no time giving heavenly behest:

“Now that does it, that’s been quite enough!

No way will I take part in his mischief.”

“He called me that name whenever we met,

Determined to be forever Satan’s cadet.

Arrogant, awful, and facing God’s wrath,

I did all I could to dissuade him from his sinful path.”

“I remember fondly his family well,

They rose to heaven while their son fell.

His parents knew the value of the church,

But he left his family name in the lurch.”

The Queen brought forth a cardboard box,

And inside was something quite unorthodox.

Paper shredding with tiny sentences,

Detailing sins, miracles, and repentances.

“Mary, Mother of God!” The Padre inferred,

“I gave him this, it’s our Lord’s Holy Word.

Now I know the devil was in that man,

What else could possess him to carry out this plan?”

With the box was a letter from The King,

The Queen didn’t hesitate to read the thing.

She cleared her throat and held up her head,

And read out what her lover had said.

“The King enjoyed a good book to read,

But this one caused his brain to bleed.

Nonsense, lies and words to obey,

Impossible standards to portray.”

“So, here’s your book of fairy tales back,

Offense is meant and there’s also Flack.

You judge others for how they live their lives,

But invade their homes to seduce their wives.”

“The King urges you all to do the same,

Shred yours too and throw off your shame.

Don’t let this evil shyster control your minds,

You’ll be happier living your lives unconfined.”

When The Queen finished reading her King’s speech,

Father Shame tried in vain to preach.

But the crowd heard truth in The King's rebuke,

Causing Padre Kal to almost puke.

“The King has a point, we must say,

Our Padre here has certainly gone astray.

He only appears when there's a fancy feast,

Acting more like a predator than a priest.”

The Padre didn’t sit, cry, or shout to God,

He was an expert at hiding behind a façade,

Before storming off he had one thing to say,

“You godless people will rue this day!”

They drunkenly cheered and said, “so long,”

And then they began to sing that famous Queen song.

But once their laughter began to wane,

Their pointless bickering started up again.

“I’m afraid The King has given his last surprise,

But he has one last video, his final goodbyes.

And once that’s done the funeral is finished,

I hope by then your hatred for him will be diminished."

“Wait! No not yet, I must say my word,

My name's Jessica, his first Queen, you might’ve heard.

I thought we were perfect, our love was true,

but then he spurned me to begin anew with you."

“He left me for you, some trashy whore,

And did things with you he wouldn’t before.

Admit it, he never slightly cared for you,

If he were still alive, I’m sure he’d cheat on you too.”

“So why did you care so much for this man?

Follow him, love him, and carry out his plans.

What exactly did you get in return?

Because all I got from him was heartbreak and spurn.”

The Queen looked her challenger in the eyes,

And answered Jessica’s passionate lies,

Offense was felt for being called a tart,

So, The Queen answered from her heart.

“The King knew passions never seen before,

We weren’t married, but I was never his whore,

I was his Queen, and, for me, I was inflamed,

He showed me freedom, a life unashamed.”

“Neither of us had a desire to procreate,

But the passions of sex were real and great.

In the throes of love, he awakened my mind,

And introduced me to an existence redefined.”

“Stop thinking your life is his fault,

Now sit down, shut up, and discontinue your assault.

The King didn’t leave you because he was cruel,

He left you because he felt you were a fool.”

Jessica sat down and was incredibly sour,

But now the funeral was in its eleventh hour.

So, without further ado The Queen played the tape,

Then dimmed the lights and closed the drapes.

On the screen The King greeted them in style,

It wasn’t red but he wore a big smile,

And although they could see death was upon The King,

There was something about him they found admiring.

“I enjoyed my life, but life is absurd,

In this universe only death is assured.

And since we only have one life to live,

I sought an existence more imaginative.”

“Yes, it’s true I didn’t care for society’s rules,

Schedules and etiquette were things to ridicule.

Many of you would scoff at me and call me batty,

But my only crime was achieving amor fati.”

“You mustn’t give your existence any more pain,

We only lose at life, there is no real gain.

Only to Death’s rules do we have to submit,

That’s why I chose the moniker “The King of Shit.”

“Besides my Queen, whom I chose to adore,

There was nothing in life I valued anymore,

Here today and gone tomorrow,

I stopped letting the world fill me with sorrow.”

“The eternal life is nothing to fear,

That’s why my corpse greeted you so cavalier.

A wooden coffin or a porcelain toilet seat,

Makes no difference after a life is complete.

“I'll wrap this up with one final thought,

Wisdom that’s sure to fill you with fraught.

Happiness is real and very possible to find,

Just learn to embrace the fate of all mankind.”

The King’s final words were met with derision,

They were tired, drunk, and wanted to go watch television.

As one group they rose from their chairs,

Then slowly made their way to pursue their own affairs.

“Thanks, but no thanks for the advice,

Our structured lives are enough to suffice.

Society determines for us what to believe,

And now it’s time for us to take our leave.”

As soon as the guests had all left,

The Queen couldn’t help feeling bereft.

She sobbed at the loss of her lover,

But found there was one more surprise to discover.

Her King had left something for her to find,

Another letter of a different kind.

She opened it up and began to read,

And his words caused her heart to bleed.

“My Queen and my love, what’s mine is yours,

This is the end of my days but your overture.

You can honor my memory in only one way,

Find your own happiness in every day.”

“Sometimes the universe throws us a treat,

A cosmic reminder that life is bittersweet.

You, my love, were my greatest treasure,

I hated people but you brought me the most pleasure.”

“What else is left to say except goodbye,

And remember to laugh when life goes awry.

You already know everything will be okay,

Now live, my Queen, in the most pleasurable way.

End