The Chaos of Time

I was busy once

At a time when my still developing brain couldn't handle busyness.

I remember the feeling of time being robbed from me

And the obstinate pressure on my lungs

As the pile of 'to dos' stacked higher in my mind

Like the mountain on my metaphorical desk

And on my actual desk.

"I can't do all of this,

There is simply not enough time."

The perverted mantra flashed like lightning behind my eyes

As deadlines slipped

Along with hours of sleep

And so I prayed for more time.

I asked for extra hours so I could rest my head

And one less minute bearing the stomach-churning reminder

That my day would not be done until all the work was too.

I prayed for it. Please. More time.

And it was given to me.

I asked for a life beset with no demands

And it was presented to me on a silver platter.

And I cracked.

You do not need to show up.

You don't have to do any work.

You are obligated by no one and nothing.

You are free to do as you please.

Well...that was too much for me.

Lifted from expectation, responsibility, motivation,

I forgot the reasons for it all.

Burning a hole in my pocket

And deflating my resolve

As the one event on the near empty calendar

Slugged along on the snail's back

While I was chained by the ankles.

Willing the creature to move faster,

Though will alone would not make it so.

I tried to fill the holes

With any distraction

Any marginally meaningful activity

To push me forward along the vast expanse of time.

Every day a forever I had wished upon myself out of desperation.

Activities once of sanity and solace

Became blurred means of procrastination

And hours in bed meant less time awake

To face my days of nothing.

Moments of fresh air and clarity

Drummed the truth in my head.

I had time.

I had so much time.

But I lacked the mental means to use it.

So I wasted.

How strange that I once believed myself powered by internal motivation

And the movements of everything and everyone

Had no bearing on me.

It was in the quiet,

On the tail end of one extreme, then the other

That I knew what I needed.

I prayed for balance.

Let go of pride and importance

Do something that matters to me.

And if I had one wish, let me never long for sleep.

No longer a life of complete exhaustion

or absent desire for the day.

I want to be here.

Awake.

I will not waste away.