The Battle in My Brain

My head is spinning

Get a grip

I can't keep letting it

Go on like this

There's gotta be answers

There's gotta be something more

Then this crazy roller coaster ride

Of all these emotions

My life is going crazy

Spiraling down

But why when I got

My two feet on the ground

I got family

I got love

I even have a roof

Over my head

I have food in my belly

And clothes on my body

Theres got to be more

Then this world I made up in my head

Whats that, a flash

From the corner of my eye

I'm going crazy

Because I'm constantly on edge

This never ending nightmare

Inside my brain

Is something that would make

Any man insane

The stupid things I do

Regardless of what I want

The constant need

To keep my self shut off

The yelling the screaming

The never being calm

Make my kids wonder

"Why do you hate me mom?"

Its not that I hate you

I love you with everything I am

You saved me

From who I once was

Theres something wrong inside me

I feel like I'm going mad

I want you to understand

That I'm trying the best I can

Even I don't understand this

It's driving me insane

So another thought of suicide

Runs through my brain

'But why. But why'

I say to myself

'You got everything and more

Going for yourself'

'You got a few friends

Who always stuck beside you

And a family

Who hurts to see you like this

So I book an appointment

I need to get some help

So I don't give in

To my very evil self

The doctor wants me

To take these meds

But these antidepressants

Don't keep me from mind

I explain my situation

I tell her I need help

So she says to me

"They will help you now"

I wait for the appointment

I just know that I am crazy

The thoughts inside my head say

'You don't need that lady'

It's time for my appointment

The day just starts off bad

The voice inside my head

Tells me to reconsider

I nearly miss my daughter's bus

And then I miss my own

'Just give up right here

You know you cant go on'

My fiancé shows up

Asks me whats going on

I say "I can't do this anymore"

He tells me to be strong

He sits with me and waits

'Maybe this won't be so bad'

The next bus has finally arrived

He tells me not to be so sad

I start shaking

As I walk up to that bus

I start thinking about

How crazy I'm going to sound

The bus starts moving

My nerves are all on edge

I search for something familiar

To make my nerves calm down

Head phones in

Deep sigh

Drown out the world

With my favorite songs

Finally get to bus depot

I hesitantly get on to bus number ONE

This is it now my fate is sealed

'Nothing else could go wrong'

I nervously go through

All I'm going to say

'What if she thinks I'm crazy'

Too late for that now

I get off at the hospital

And watch the bus go by

I take a deep breath in

And go on my way

I enter the big building

I don't know my way

I break my comfort

And ask "where's the elevator"

She points to where it is

I end up feeling dumb

Had I just looked up

I would have saw the sign

I make my way up

As my anxiety gets worse

I check in and everyone's in my face

Thing are going so fast paced

I fill out some of the paperwork

I get drug from room to room

I just want to sit

I don't know what to do

I fill out two more pages

And now it's time to see

The therapist they had reccommended

To help me with myself

I spill myself so easily

I wanna get better

I constantly feel

Like I should just leave

She asks me all these questions

I hesitate with some answers

I figured this would be over fast

But it lasted for two hours

The answer now stares back at me

The thing I've been wondering for years

Turns out I was right

Which brings me to tears

Everything makes sense now

As she writes me a prescription

The reason nothing helps me

Is starring back at me

Turns out I'm bipolar

Which my counselor suspected

I also have something called

Borderline personality disorder

I finally have my answer

Why I do the things you do

It's from the trauma I have gone through

It's fixed with one little pill

If the answer is this simple

Why do I feel this way

All I want to do

Is just run away

I stare blankly

As she explains what this all means

I play with the wrapper

From my candy I had eaten

She writes me a prescription

And explains the negative effects

My head starts thinking

About these pills making me dead

"Take one a day

And you can't miss any

Or it could end horribly

After 14 days take twice as many"

I snap back to reality

And nod as she talks

'It can't be this simple'

My head is spinning all around

"At your next appointment

We can speed up the doses

Let's see where things go from here

And go back to seeing your counselor"

"If you don't take these as directed

You may end up getting burns

If you don't take these daily

You will need to start over"

I finally have my answer

My scapegoat if you will

Why I do some things I do

Can it really be fixed with a little pill

The more and more I ponder

The crazier I feel

I'm more angry now

As I learn how to deal

All these things in my head

All are so real

If only people would understand

How I really feel

Things are so much harder

As I learn how to cope

I sleep more than ever

As I'm fighting inside my head

I act like I'm doing ok

But deep inside I'm hurting

At least that's what she said

I just don't want to be a burden

My whole life is different now

I need you to understand

Im still who I always am

I just needed a helping hand