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by N. Thomas about a year ago in heartbreak
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January 2021

Photo by Julien Andrieux on Unsplash

The cold wasn't nearly as bitter

The Christmas lights sparkled a little brighter

The sleep was so much more peaceful

The smile wasn't a front, my spirit was lighter

I was finally present in the moment

Not planning the future or regretting the past

Is this the "happiness" thing I've heard about?

I caught myself wondering if I'd found it at last

I started to feel alive, not just existing

It's been so long since I haven't felt like fleeing

Not a doormat, not a burden, maybe even appreciated

I remembered what it's like to feel like a human being

For decades I daydreamed about it

But I could tell myself I'm over romanticizing how it would be

The time together only confirmed it was what I want

Which is really unfortunate for me

I got a taste of what life could be

It was rich and sweet, but then I started to choke

It was a trailer for an epic movie never to be released

Just a teaser or a punch line for some grand cosmic joke

I had to question the diagnoses and now it's harder

To keep telling myself it's not because my life is in disarray

Since most of the symptoms disappear when I'm there

It takes most of my excuses away

Now I'm missing you like crazy

The pain is physical too, beyond just feeling depressed

Feels like Kano got a hold of my heart and ripped it out

Right before an elephant sat on my chest


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N. Thomas

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