Still Waiting

Life is hard.

I wish it wasn't.

Everyday is full of choices.

Some afford do overs.

Others don't.

******

I'm your mother.

But you're an adult

When should I help

Or leave you alone?

******

You've made choices.

Bad ones if I'm being honest.

It's hard to watch you suffer with that.

Staying on the sideline

Just as an observer

Is gut wrenching

But stepping in hasn't solved anything.

It provided you a net

So you could dance recklessly

On the tight rope of life

At dizzying heights

Because you had me as a net to catch you.

But I won't be here forever.

******

Continuing to help

Doesn't allow you to become independent

And yet withholding help

Feels intrinsically cruel

******

Who knew the pleading and begging at 30

Would sound so similar to your pleas at 3?

Always a mother.

I won't lie it's hard to hear you

And deny to acknowledge.

You've always known to keep making noise

Louder and longer to wear me down.

But the stakes are higher.

******

You left three little souls behind.

Helpless and alone.

They need necessities, care and love

And reassurances that they won't be abandoned again.

My resources go to them.

They are unable to fend for themselves.

******

You are grown

Capable of self provisioning

Yet not doing so

But it's time you step up

If only for your self.

You abandoned the network

That lifted you up

And snugged in with those who pull you down.

That logic is lost on me.

******

I cannot and will not

Contribute to your slow death

By poisoning yourself with

Whatever fix fits the money you've scraped.

I do love you but I won't do that

I will not give my money

So you can stay lost in limbo

You have no home

No job

No car

Only what fits in a backpack as possessions

You're a squatter most days

A mooch, thief and liar too

You aren't who I once knew

No longer a product

Of your raising

You have devolved to

Being a product of your environment

******

You are hungry, cold, dirty

Sick from illness and withdrawal

Abused verbally and physically

Misused in ways I won't let my mind wrap around.

You could walk away

Make better choices

If not for yourself

Then at least for the three Littles

But you didn't before

And you haven't yet

I'm not sure you ever will.

******

You've been in your hell for 10 years now.

The oldest is 11

If you remain lost another 10 years

He will be 21 and you will be 40

They will have lived their entire lives

Never getting to know who you really were

The you I knew you to be

Before him and drugs and abuse

The you that existed before you got lost is life

The you I desperately hope is still inside

And will find its strength

And fight its way back to the surface

That somehow that you will get out from under the abuse, misuse and the drugs

******

It's been a year since you left.

We're still waiting.

Will you ever return?