Self-Sabotage

If I could turn back time, I'd go back to when we first met

I'd erase all the things I said and did that I now regret

I remember so clearly all those times meeting at the coffee shop

You treated me with respect, and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop

It wasn't just physical attraction, we had such a great rapport

Still I couldn't believe that I may have found what I was looking for

I didn't know how to act, I didn't know what to do

I just kept expecting the worst because you seemed too good to be true

I'd alternate between hiding my past then overshare and drop my guard

Deep down I wanted it so bad, and I ended up pushing too hard

I'm so embarrassed now by some of the bizarre ways I behaved

To this day I can't believe the things you looked past and forgave

I finally decided to take a chance and found what I was dreaming of

But I was still used to thinking that I wasn't worthy of being loved

I was so used to being told that I wasn't enough that I'd started to believe

I wasn't experienced with genuine affection, only with being deceived

I didn't think I had a chance, it seemed so hard to conceive

I was so used to settling that I was afraid you were out of my league

I didn't know how to handle not being hurt or used

I had gotten so used to being neglected and abused

I didn't know how to be happy, I was too used to the drama

I got so overwhelmed by my feelings because I was still broken from the trauma

I knew I was feeling something new and had to keep my heart protected

I was afraid of getting my hopes up only to be rejected

My nerves got the best of me, only expecting to be degraded

I'd never had a functional give-and-take, and I'd become jaded

I was so used to feeling stuck in unhealthy situations

You treated me with kindness, and I kept searching for your true motivations

I couldn't believe that someone like you would want to spend time with me

Almost everything about you has challenged my paradigm theory

I had almost accepted that being mistreated was my inevitable fate

By the time I realized who you really were, it was already too late

The logical part of me knew what I was doing, but I did it still

I assumed you couldn't want me and made sure that prophecy self-fulfilled

I clung to tight then drove you away

I scared you off then begged you to stay

It was so hard for me to believe that you weren't a mirage

So in my typical fashion, I resorted to self-sabotage