Rise Up

My everyday, I wake up and fade out, get distracted by the noise of my every disturbance. I wouldn’t dare to express my traditional daily experiences as blissful. I’ll walk to achieve the mile, but I refuse to run, I’ll have my way tonight but I’ll never love, I’ll go bungee jumping, but I must be pushed first. My restraint runs esoteric, for I am petrified I no longer have the ability to save myself, so I live with it. I carry my every failure against me with a dull texture and a gloomy cloud that screams FEAR. I once had words of encouragement in black ink tattooed to my body that was a checkpoint for wherever I would tour, but abruptly after my misfortunes I lose them, they lose me, I lose me.

I met someone the day my heart left me. He won’t tell me what his name is. He hasn’t left me since. My words multiply detailed in cursive black ink covering a large percent of my being. He is my protector. He ensures that I don’t do anything that I’ll regret in the future and I haven’t gotten impaired in the slightest so far. But then, he shot me. I grew into shock, bewildered of what I’ve let happen. He continued on, growing larger, meaner, scarier…...My words are trying to fight back but they can’t, I have this feeling that I just can’t stop it, I can’t feel it but I know it’s hurting me. Then a punch, then a kick, but the only sense I am capable of feeling at this point is sight. I am aware that I am not in the best shape at this moment and that I am getting more and more injured every punch, kick, and slap I see, but no, I just can’t feel. I’m numb to it, like possibly in the aftermath of the first action, I became paralyzed, not aware of what was happening right in front of me due to what I was experiencing. He’s screaming at me, yelling, rise up, rise up, in a deep toned voice that is encouraging but also intimidating. I rise on my bruised, bloody, scar leaving limbs to fight back what I believed was my friend, my protector, my savior.

Confidence, Strength, BEAUTY, JOY, keep plummeting off of my body, my words downgrade to the floor making whaling sounds, disintegrating into oblivion. I’m beginning to feel again, feeling guilty, feeling, well, I don’t know, I’ve never felt like this before, this is the worst I’ve ever felt, I feel…..rock bottom.

He yells, “She will no longer survive this, she will no longer rise, for the soul dies.”

Two more creatures arrive and I’ve admitted to surrendering, I emotion everything in a hurricane of personalities of my book’s content. I knew what they were going to do. I grew to accept that I wasn’t stronger than these multiplying creatures, I was weak, I was scared, and I was hateful.

Love….My last word to blubber on my behalf, losing its attachment to me, but itching to latch on. I died while my love fell in slow motion it seemed, leaving me to assume my fait. I cover my ears for I know this shreek will be the loudest, the most painful, the most deadly. But I can still hear it, though this word didn’t disintegrate, it shattered and whispered, “Forgive.”

All feeling leaves my body except for my state of mind. I fall on my back, closing my eyes, glass surrounding me, and dark, black, enormous, black figures in my mind, labeled in bloody words that I can’t quite make out. The blur was growing clearer but I wasn’t certain if I was in hell or not. But then I saw flashbacks of unforgivable, horrible events that have occurred in my life, but then the most memorable moments, the ones I lived for, the ones I cry for, crave for, and loved for. I felt of let down, I let down my family, I let down my friends, and I let down myself because I never let go of the anger, the pain, the suffering, I chose to hate myself for what I was not in control of. I let the agony in.

But now.

I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I forgive, I Forgive, I Forgive, I FORGIVE, I FORGIVE!!!

My hands are coming back, my feet are souring in happiness, my shoulders have lost the weight of ten elephants, Confidence has joined back to my body in pink, Beauty had grown on my person in purple, ginormous words, in green, yellow, blue, red. A rainbow comes my direction to my soul with a weapon of strength, a beaming light of color.

CLACK!!!!! Severing a perpetrator with my weapon of strength.

WHOOSH!!!! Defeating another villain who impaired my judgement and confidence.

And BAM!!!!! Across the head of the creature that I placed my trust in, Fearless shimmers on my right cheek, sprinkling glitter on my face. My words are of all color now.

I’m capable, I’m radiant, and I’m overjoyed but don’t spot love on my body.

For a while I was so blind, so naive to what I was doing to myself, I never realized that that creature I trusted wasn’t a person, a protector, or a friend, it was fear, and others hatred, and failure. I wasn’t being protected, I was being rejected, by myself, and I didn’t even know it. I never took risks after my heartbreaks, let downs, scary events, because of that monster. July 9th, 2017, I visited their tombstones.

I came with roses of spirit and empathy, I arrived optimistic but not impulsive.

I approached them painlessly.

“I forgive you, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be as miraculous as I am today, I pay you a thank you for making me, me.”

All of a sudden I feel even lighter, like I’m on a cloud. I feel heroic, I feel accomplished, then a glowing spot of light comes from the stones, holding out a hand, with a gold, glowing, glass heart held out to me. My Love, my completion.

That whisper comes back, that same whisper I heard after the shattering.

“You’ve risen up, you’ve healed yourself, now let the love back in.”

I reach for the heart and gain the word Love right on my chest, gold and glowing in cursive. The hand disappears, for I will never visit this scene again, but will always remember the day I rose up from my darkness.