Repent Love

I sat there, staring at a stranger i’ll forever share memories with

She looked different from when I used to kiss her, more beautiful in a sense, but her beauty was not lessened nor gained, it was pure happiness I saw on her face

Effortless bliss

Oh, not a day goes by that I don’t wish I was the one making her feel that way

But it’s okay, I wasn’t meant to.

I’m meant to love her so much that she’s more beautiful because she’s no longer mine

I’m meant to stay on the sidelines and watch her fall in love one last time

I’m meant to cheer her on now that she can actually cheer up

But, I’m not sure why I’m the one alone in the process after we lost touch

I love(d) her so much that I let her go

We both needed to figure out things on our own

But she found solace in another’s heart while I’m still roaming in to others' arms

Yet I feel nothing, nothing at all

I am numb to love, why can’t I fall?

With her it was so easy, like taking a breath of air

Now I have to force myself for an ounce of care

And that’s not fair, oh no

I don’t want to do that to these people I hold

I want to know that i’ll get there, but I feel like I won’t

So my empathy arrives, and leaves me alone

I just subside and scold myself

“Don’t lead this one on just because your heart needs help”

Something is wrong within myself

I have only loved once and ever since I’ve dwelled

Was she the one?

No it can’t be

There was far too much toxicity

But was it me? Or was it her?

I guess i’ll never learn

But regardless of the pain and the way she made me feel insane,

At least she made me feel something

Even though I left running

All my friends in love scream,

“Your true love is coming! It’s worth the wait, you’ll regret nothing”

But how does love come if one fails to go

How does a flower grow without water or the sun’s glow?

How do I fail so much but never come close?

I thought mistakes taught us what we need to know the most

I’m so caught up, I just need to let it be

Let me breathe and maybe someone will come again, easily

Maybe I need to let people in

Maybe she is within someone I know right now but haven’t met fully

Maybe falling for the one doesn’t even come easy

Maybe I’m over-thinking, but it’s all I want

And then I think what I’d love isn’t enough?

Oh, I just need to shut up, I do.

Complaining about it will do nothing but prove that I’m not over you

Nor will I be

Until I find something better

I need my fish from the sea, or is it a river that I should seek? A pond? A creek?

I’m so lost because all I think about in the name of love is you

I need to find someone that pulls me through those feelings even harder or else I’ll forever ponder on us.

A hell that was

A heaven sent

I just hope I receive it, before I repent.