Realization: Self-Awareness

I wrote a poem with lots of imagery about not fitting in, not finding my place in the world, and having no sense of belonging. I always felt like an outcast.

I just wanted to make friends and know someone; instead, I was bullied throughout elementary and high school! I was blessed, inspired, and fortunate to have a lot of friendly teachers, though!

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This morning I arose - An early morning bird.

The sky was still dark outside, dispiriting my emotions.

As I stood taciturnly on my Father's beautiful front porch.

The caliginous, and how it began to take control of my soul;

my heart mellows yet is filled with anger and hatred.

My shadow on the ground, just following me around,

As though I'm a lost child.

The stars still shining bright above my head,

As though they were speaking to me, saying,

"Optimism!" The sun was yet to come up as I waited patiently

for its arrival.

I contemplated as I gazed out in front of me.

There I noticed my Father's beautiful flower garden.

Roses, Tulips, Daisies, all the beautiful colors of the rainbow,

a symbol of happiness?

I tried to remember all the things I'd felt blessed with;

as I tried to figure out, "Which flower do I resemble?"

I desired to be either the crimson rose or the white rose,

The representation of unconditional love, a symbol of purity and innocence, something Special.

But after reading your message, my eyes drew me straight to the weeds.

All I could feel internally were my bruises, my scars, that

I'd long put behind me, the chapter of my life that

I demolished into nonexistence. The horror, the loneliness,

as though your letter brought me back to my inner childhood.

The rejection I used to feel and the hatred surrounding me.

Abruptly taking control of my mind. That's when the tears began to drip.

I could wipe them away, but your words hurt me

like a knife that stabbed my heart.

My face started feeling heavy; I felt as though I was

about to cry a waterfall.

I felt, in this garden, that's where I belonged—the weed.

The one who doesn't belong. The one who always left empty

With a heart so warm yet weak breaks to pieces so quickly,

Like a mirror that's dropped out of anger, which brings bad luck.

It was like I could feel glass shattering everywhere around me.

Somehow, I always become the enemy as fragile, caring, and harmless as I am.

It's as though I should take a knife and cut it to my very flesh,

Then the world would be satisfied without me.

Then maybe then, they would understand my emotions.

Nobody can empathize with somebody else's pain.

Just a girl whose shy. Just a timid girl who doesn't open up to people.

But, when she finally entrusts someone, it's baggage. They become her betrayal.

Calm as she is when she's with them, they don't allow her to express herself.

To them - her anger spreads like that of the weeds in the garden, eating away at all the other plants.

Destroying their beauty, their attraction, and their creativity. The destruction.

She unknowingly causes; Or even a tiger, so wild and out of control, how can it be tamed?

You can sprint if you want, you can hide if you wish to, you can trust, but it still follows,

You killed her dignity,

Yet, the trust she entrusted you with has become harder to mend.

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I hope you enjoyed it. I graduated high school with good grades. I am doing a law degree now!