Reality

Morning cuddles are fine, but what about witnessing the sun rise together?

Especially in an area filled with nature, admiring Hashems design in everything?

Imagine being with the right person, witnessing majestic views and how different vibing together would be.

Imagine the flow of things, efficiency, purity.

Finding your home in someone else’s heart.

Feeling their presence calm your storms.

The term, waking up to your best friend.

The joy in starting a family.

Having little miniature humans looking at you like you’re their world and all their stars.

Reality can sometimes be so upsetting.

Not everything is forever, but that’s why it’s important to cherish memories together.

Once upon a time, I thought marriage were two people giving their all to one another. Two partners in crime, living life and cherishing each other through time.

This year, prioritizing myself I noticed that what I’ve gotten into was not that.

Marriage has been 90% and maybe 30-40%. I’m so beyond drained and exhausted.

It’s been so much arguing, lecturing, talking and nothing changes.

Finally I felt Hashem speak with me the reason for this, their was a purpose for this marriage and it wasn’t to last forever.

How can I say something like this?

I’m living it.

I’ve gotten so much more clarity and I know things will be ok.

I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown in so many ways. I’ve witnessed Hashems touch and abundant mercy in both of our lives and I think that’s something I’ll never forget.

Who would’ve thought this would happen to me?

If I could speak with my younger self and let her know, prepare her for a time of many mental breakdowns, narcissistic behaviors in general, unhappiness, unwanted opinions, judgments, hormonal imbalances and weight gain I don’t think she’d believe me.

I’m lost in my thoughts.

There is a reason for everything under the sun.

Hashem is in control.

I feel this pressure and suffocating feeling leave me as I ponder on what Hashem told me.

I’m at peace and I’ve never felt better.

I’ve been waking up early and enjoying each silent moment.

I smile brighter and I can see the difference in the way my eyes sparkle.

My happy ending is still somewhere.

My Prince Charming lives and he’s out there.

We will enjoy life so much more together.

I’m sure there will still be arguments, because all couples fight. Nothing is absolutely perfect, but I know it won’t suck the life out of me.

I’m unpacking my emotions, myself entirely.

Life is so short and time goes by so fast.

I’ve learned the hardest way possible that it’s a vital part of life to do what makes you happy.

Hashem doesn’t want us in chains, suffocated and living in depression.

We all have a role, we all have a life to make the most of and with this clarity I’ve felt so much lighter and full of life.

Thank You Hashem.

Modah Ani l’fanecha melech chai v’kayam.