Quarantine

What’s it like to be afraid of dying?

To breathe in this hope that always suffices

Why can’t I feel this way?

When I breathe in I don’t want it to stay

And maybe it’s from past memories that devoted their time in my head to treachery

So I lay in my bed during this quarantine

Praying the epidemic comes for me

No I don’t want to spread it to others because some of you have lives to live

I on the other hand have no fucks to give, when I see the future it’s blank or full of sin

Which do you prefer me to kindle in?

The nothingness of death or the depression that comes with lack of success?

I’ve always been a mess but this disease is getting to my head

Because I see all of you in a panic and I start to connect the dots and see that I’ve already handled it

While you all go insane, a calmness has settled in my brain

There’s a chance I can go without trying

I’m more afraid of the seclusion than dying

Let there be no confusion when I’m crying it’s because I’m finally not lying

I’m not okay in ways you couldn’t understand

Not if you wake up everyday with god in your hands

Begging on your knees for peace

I know I never can

It just isn’t for me

The universe has its own plans

And now as the trees bud and we all pretend that it’ll stay this way once it all ends

I lay in the reality that even if we stop the spread, I will not get the sympathy I need from my friends

And that’s alright, I understand

Some people praise life, others praise amends

With themselves

With lack of help

With nothing else, just like the store’s shelves

We are empty, you are not

During this quarantine we aren’t lost

You may be but that’s enough comparing for me because I’ll never have the hope you carry you see?

I wish to marry the disease

I pray the contrary will please notice they have it very complete

It’s me myself and I in these bitter demeans

You will be alright, but that’s never been me