Poem: Learning to Love Myself

My boyfriend told me

to talk to myself;

To say, "Hello,"

not goodbye.

Poetry is my outlet,

something we are both

good at.

Greet myself,

accept myself.

don't push her away.

So, "Hello my name is___"

"What is yours?"

In my head I can feel her answer,

hear her breathe and imagine,

her facial expressions as she says

"__".

I ask her what's her favorite color.

She says black. I say baby blue.

When we talk, she sounds sad,

as I sound like a mixture of happiness

and sadness.

She asks "Why do I let my sadness consume me?"

I've never talked to myself to this degree.

I let my sadness consume me

because it reminds me that I'm human,

that I don't always need pain to remind

me that I'm alive.

I breathe.

I ask her.

"Why is she so angry?"

Imagine her as a child...

Short black hair, brown eyes wide,

no glasses with bare feet touching

concrete baring a white dress.

Maybe in my mind; it reminds me

of her innocence to not be afraid.

I imagine her holding my hand

and

telling me.

"I'm angry because I haven't forgiven them.

I haven't forgiven my mom, my dad, or their partners,

or even my exes. ___ I still am holding grudges."

In my head

and

In my poetry I sound insane,

I feel psychotic.

But talking to myself reveals

the truth in waves that

a therapist could never

find.

She asks me.

"Why haven't you forgiven yours?"

A question I've never thought to ask myself.

One I've never pondered but I answer.

"I haven't because if I did I would have

to remember everything and accept

that none of it was my fault but...

then I would feel the pain from before

and all the guilt, sadness, and hate.

I fear feeling it."

In my head she has sorrow but she

owns her fear. She asks me not fear her,

not to accept her but love her.

She reminds me we are one in the same,

the same person but my mind shows

me a mirror.

A mirror that is white but is black.

We are the same person but different.

One has sadness but one has happiness

and one love's life.

While the other wishes it didn't exist.

My brain shows her as a child,

wishing and craving for love,

showing me an emptiness

of abandonment and showing

me she's afraid of falling.

She is still afraid of the dark like me.

She fears losing herself.

She tells me to hug her

and remember she's only just a

child.

The child part of me; I've forgotten,

the child part of me that claims sensitive

but she says,

"Accept me. See that your bipolar is me, It's us."

I feel I sound crazy, speaking to myself

but now it sounds natural through poetry

as I can imagine; My two sides talking beside

a mirror that projects both.

I may not accept her yet,

I will eventually learn to love her.

To remember my anger is from

childhood, resentment is of my fear

of acceptance but I ask her.

"Why do you fear my boyfriend;

when he see's you in my eyes?"

My head goes silent as though

my another side can't answer

or because she's disappeared.

I finally hear her. See her.

Feel her. Imagine her.

Her words travel and speak.

"He loves you. He stays.

Eventually I'll be gone.

We will merge as one.

I fear him for what you have become.

You've started to change and change

is what I fear."

I imagine she looks at me as a child.

As a child she hugs me

and tells me.

"I fear him because he loves me

and that's the most dangerous

type of love because in the end

it shows he's not afraid of us."

In my mind I deem myself insane

but my questions keep popping

and with my last one.

I ask myself.

"When will we be one in the same?"

Silence wavers and I see a grin.

I feel a hug.

She says.

"Not till you learn to love me

as he taught you to love yourself."