playing the part.

Sometimes I question to what extent your part in my life has influenced it. If you had never shown up, if I hadn’t put that many eggs in your basket, where would I be right now? I question if I would still be with my “first” love, if we would have made it to the place with the bells and where people say, “I do”.

Or possibly, I may have pushed myself and finished this degree a year early as I had planned. I might have been secure in my decision to create this project as is, how everyone wished it to be. Simply, I wonder if I would be in a happier, more secure place.

Without you right now, I feel secure. Not to say that this has always been the case; most times, I felt as if I possessed a phantom limb without your presence. I would walk aimlessly, mind wandering around the globe, unable to fully concentrate because part of me would be stuck on you.

But, not anymore. I am solidified in my independence, I feel unshaken in my stance, and cemented in my foundation.

In solidarity, I found security.

Sometimes, I wish I reached this position sooner. It’s where I’ve always wanted to be, where we all strive to get to. Then begs the question, what if you hadn’t been a part of my life, or played a smaller role?

I think I gave you too much responsibility, too many lines, too big of a character and you couldn’t fill the shoes. I set you up to fail, to kill a part of me, and threaten the success of my life’s production.

I will move forward, alone but never lonely, continuing to build in strength and love until the final act.