Numbing Pain That Hurts

I’m numbing my pain with short-term things, pleasures, and quick flings.

This is my moment.

My place of freedom.

The place I can escape to

because reality hurts a lot more.

Soul digging is going to bring more suffering.

I’m hurt enough.

So it’s time for some real fun.

Let the party begin.

—

Maybe I’m a little selfish in my ways

but I can’t see that because I’m doing what’s best for me.

Maybe I’m hurting people and myself without realizing it

but I feel like I’m doing what’s good for me right now.

I’m at an all-time high.

I’m feeling this adrenaline rush flow through my body.

I praise the external things that bring me satisfaction

because internal fixes require a lot of work.

No one wants to go to that place.

There’s too much emptiness that lies within there.

The external distractions are going to help me forget about my pain.

I just..know they will.

I’ll take a few glasses of whiskey for now.

And if I feel like that’s not enough I’ll take more.

—

It’s later in the night

and I’ve finished the entire bottle of whiskey.

Now I’m wasted.

Wow, does this feel nice,

but ouch.. something still hurts inside.

Why won’t you go away?

Just leave me alone already.

I want to enjoy life,

not be destroyed by it.

So I’ll try something else then.

—

I wake up the next morning with a pounding headache,

stumbling across the floor.

Did I have a hangover?

Am I still drunk?

I’m nauseous

and I’m ready to puke my guts out.

Now I feel emptier.

This doesn’t feel great at all.

-

It’s 11 pm on a dark Sunday

The night has come again to consume me.

What should I feed off of now?

It’s thunder storming and the rain won’t stop until tomorrow morning.

I can’t sit under this dark cloud

but I also can’t go to the bar again.

The bar is closed.

What should I do now?

—

I hear music in the distance thumping two doors down from me.

I feel compelled to find the noise.

Is it a party? In the rain?

I mean anything’s possible, right?

I step outside wavering my umbrella over my head,

walking closer and closer to the sound.

I knock two times and the door springs open to reveal my next-door neighbor

greeting me, and excitedly motioning for me to come in.

Next thing you know, I’m at a party.

—

Oh..would you look at that, there’s more whiskey

and attractive people to hook up with.

There’s even drugs.

Just as I assumed a party would have,

more escape routes.

This night is off to a good start.

—

That’s it.

I’m sleeping with a stranger tonight

for my own personal afflictions.

The pleasure will lessen the pain I feel.

It’s time to let loose.

—

I’ve let loose and I’ve messed around

but yet, something is still bothering me.

What could it be?

—

It’s been a week after the party

and the stranger I hooked up with is now my lover.

Now I have a person by my side that will keep me busy all the time.

There won’t be any room to feel sad.

—

I think I’ve found someone I can love again but it’s not myself,

it’s someone else.

It’s them.

They make me feel good, so I am good.

Something still stings in my heart

but I’ll be alright.

This person keeps me from feeling bad,

but am I using this person?

Am I that lost that I need to pull someone else's strings?

—

We’ve only been together for three months

and now it’s all come to end.

Our time spent together felt a lot shorter.

Where did the time go?

My lover realized something I didn’t.

I wasn’t capable of loving someone else before myself.

She loved me but I didn’t love her the way I was supposed to.

—

My demons are haunting me more,

and more, each day.

As I thump upon my head aggressively with the palms of my hands,

I try to remove the feeling but the pain still remains.

I will try another way.. I will.

I will try my best to ignore pain, as if it does not exist.

How can I shake this feeling now?

—

I decided to drive over to a restaurant,

hanging out with a few family members to celebrate my older brother’s birthday.

Everyone’s cheerful,

smiling from ear to ear.

Everyone’s conversating and telling stories

but why do I feel like I’m not here?

Physically I am present

but mentally I am lost and disconnected.

It’s almost like I’m in another world.

Where am I?

—

My brother lightly taps me on my shoulder, asking me am I okay

I reassure him with a slight smile and say yes, I am under the weather today

but if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the restroom.

The way my brother looked at me,

looked like he knew something I didn’t.

—

Blankly staring into the mirror at a dead soul,

my mind begins to flood with thoughts.

Am I a dead man walking?

Why am I here?

What am I doing?

The world would be so much better without me.

—

I’ll take a few pills.

They’ll help me forget about all of this.

No need to worry anymore.

—

The world is spinning and I’m slowly crashing.

My thoughts won’t bother me anymore.

I won’t be a bother to anyone else either

This is the end of pain.

—

I looked down at the chords attached to my right arm.

I’m dressed in a blue nightgown?

How did I end up here?

I’m still alive?

I feel extremely weak

and nothing like myself.

It’s been a long time

since I have.

—

My brother saved me from dying.

He cared enough to rescue me from my suffering.

My troubled actions have left me speechless.

I am not pleased.

I’m disappointed.

My pain still existed at the end of that liquor bottle.

My pain was still there at the end of my sex sessions.

I carried old wounds into a new relationship.

And my pain still existed at the end of that pill bottle.

So what was the point in this all?

Perhaps this was my wake-up call,

to remind me that I’m in a dark place that needs attention, not distractions.

Deep down in the dumps of endless misery.

What I was doing served me no healing

or true justification.

Just more war and trouble

with myself and the people around me.

—

I glance over to the left side of me to see my older brother staring at me with wide eyes.

He says,

You know, you’re not very good at hiding things.

You had this look in your eyes that said it all.

They were so dark and sad.

You’re a fool to think I was going to let

you slip right before your moment of breakthrough.

Times are rough for us all,

but there’s no way out, only through

little brother.

—

After all of this, I got a second chance.

To live again.

To dream in color

And do things differently.

—

It’s been two months since I’ve been in the hospital.

I’m getting the help I need through therapy, friends, and family.

I’m getting more outdoors, attending church, exploring the world, and picking up new hobbies.

I’m learning more about myself and it’s slow

but well worth the precious time.

I will not take this opportunity for granted as I did before,

because every person doesn’t always make it out alive.

—

It’s forty years later from my life incident that had occurred

and I am now sixty years old.

I’ve learned a whole lot.

It’s been all fun and games for a short period of my life

but it has done severe damage that has affected me in the long run.

I have liver disease

and I often feel nauseous,

along with abdominal pain.

All from the whiskey.

This is the price I have to pay,

but still, I am truly thankful to have gotten this far.

I had to lose myself, to find myself.

Now I am choosing my decisions wisely.

—

Side Note: This poem is inspired by another informative article I wrote a few years ago on a different writing platform about how we numb our pain with temporary pleasures. The article provides an overview on why we shouldn’t seek for external things to equal fulfillment. Especially when we are at our lowest. Oftentimes, the underlying answer is within us. We just ignore it until reality hits us hard. Then, we see the bigger picture. We realize that the solution itself was simple but addressing it is a serious work. It’s not something everyone is willing to do though.

This poem also addresses a message. If you numb your pain now, what will the effects be in the future compared to addressing the situation at hand? And lastly, temporary satisfaction does not equal up to true happiness or being cured of trauma/hurt. Ask yourself, is it well worth losing your life and the people who genuinely care about you?