Notes From A Simple Mind

…and then my brain broke and words started spilling out…

I started creating because I reached a point where I didn’t want to keeping watching words turn in circles in my head, I started writing because I wanted to get the thoughts out, I wanted to talk but really talk, just talk and talk, I move through this world in silence mostly lost in thoughts and for some reason I reached a point where the words just wanted to come out. I’ve never been very good with speaking, I’ve always kept a journal and have a habit of throwing out these journals every time my life changes direction, these journals aren’t written to be read so there’s no real attachment to them, this one however is different this one I’ve written to be read, because this time I need to share these thoughts, these words, and if only one person ever reads these words then I’ve had the conversation I needed to have, my head is always too full, and so I write. I’ve always been a thinker and a searcher, sometimes I entertain the idea that the questions “why?” and “how?” were invented specifically for my mind, they weren’t, I know this, but that’s ok anyway I can pretend. I do have my action moments but for the most part I sit and stare at walls and think and get lost in my imaginings. I have a habit of picking a random topic and researching it in depth until I’ve learned something or I’ve thought of something else to research, this is just for my own personal enjoyment, just because it’s fun, I’ve filled up many hours like this, I have no problem with solitude, time is very easy to spend. Learning and growing have always been important to me and I get a kick out of searching and discovering, I basically live in a maze of undiscovered knowledge. Finding a new thing to learn is like finding treasure in the gardens of someone else’s mind, it’s wonderful. All of this may make me sound like a very smart person, I’m not, I’m basically a stupid person with a curious mind and, to be fair, my curiosity isn’t used for making me any smarter it is used for the simple pleasure of knowing, I’ve not achieved anything amazing with the information I find, sometimes I forget it as soon as I’ve read it, I just like knowing stuff and my mind has been on many wonderful journeys through this maze of knowledge, sure I’m not a smart person by education standards but I am a curious one and I’m ok with that, I quite like it actually.

I think curiosity is a healthy thing, and there’s nothing in particular I’m curious about, I’m just generally curious about pretty much everything. I don’t really mingle with the humans, I quite like keeping to myself I’m much better at that, I am completely fascinated by people in general though, they really are the most fascinating creatures in the whole animal kingdom. Fascinating and terrifying and wonderful and horrible and beautiful and disgusting. Humans are all of that, all of us.

I don’t really use what I learn for anything in particular, and I can’t say that I know a lot, I can say I know a little bit about a lot of things but I believe all knowledge is useful at some point, if information is soaked in by your brain you will use it sometime in your travels. I believe this, I believe if your mind took it in it will be used, and so I continue to search and read and learn whatever my simple mind will soak up. I’ve never really felt like I’ve belonged anywhere in particular, I’ve always been seen as odd or quirky, I don’t do anything in particular to be odd I just give off that vibe, I don’t look very different from anyone else, I’ve been told I resemble a Picasso, not sure which one but searching through his cubism phase I feel like that’s probably where the resemblance is, but I guess there’s nothing obviously strange there’s just something about me that seems different. Unique, even. I’m probably never going to find a t-shirt that sums me up in one word. I always knew at some point I would embrace the quirky and come into my own, and in some ways I feel like right now I’m actually moving into my prime, I just thought somehow that would happen sooner and by now I would just be complete but instead I am completely lost or rather disconnected from the world around me.

With the oddness came standing out and a natural instinct to retreat and so the search began. It started with reading and watching movies and listening to music and eventually that grew into a full blown mental retreat into my own imaginings. It wasn’t always about learning something new, it was always about disappearing until I found a place where I belong. Somewhere comfortable where I could just be and not feel so out of place. My curiosity stemmed from wanting to understand how the world worked, why people were people and where I fit in to all of that. I’m not very cool, I just accidentally like cool stuff sometimes, I have a natural attraction to all things creative, it makes me feel alive and good to know that creativity exists. I believe everyone has an art that lives inside them, something that they can naturally do that makes them feel complete. It may not be painting, writing, sculpting, making music or anything to do with any of the arts, if it’s a job that exists it’s someone’s art. People at the beginning of time didn’t split off and pursue careers, they may have had particular duties within the tribe but I doubt there was a thought process to which duty belonged to who. At one point someone decided to draw a house before it got built and so architecture was born, that was their art. Someone at some point started counting because they enjoyed the numbers and accounting was born, that was their art. Someone at some point started serving people because they enjoyed it not because they were forced into it, and hospitality was born, that was their art.

We all have an art, something we do that we love or feel some kind of connection to and that one art has its place in the larger workings of this world. I truly believe this, I’ve always believed the universe has a way of moving us along, it’s beautiful but a little scary, sometimes it’s not what you were expecting or hoping for and most times it comes when you least want it to, but if you trust it and just go with it, it can be amazing. At least that’s what I believe anyway. Time has a way of giving us space for real reflection, real looking back and seeing the span of our lives as it happened and all the different twists and turns, all the different connecting points, and if you take that moment that time gives us and you have a curious mind you naturally start asking yourself what is the point to all of this? what am I really doing? What is my purpose?

This line of thinking has most of us looking around for our own art, I know I have one, everyone does I do know this it just makes sense, it’s not something that can really be proven but it doesn’t really need to be, it’s just as obvious as the sky being blue. Any time I’ve asked myself these questions I end up having a brilliant idea and I would quit everything to chase after that idea, but one thing I’ve learned is that if its right you don’t need to chase it, just decide you want it, believe in it and it’ll come to you… somehow. Everything always works out somehow, the universe is kinda perfect like that. This time asking these questions was a little different though, because I didn’t have a big brilliant idea, I didn’t quit my job, I just sat down and started writing what was in my head, imagining in words on a page, drawing and dreaming, staying in my space and doing that one thing that makes me feel complete.. creating and the more I create the more I want to create and the more I write the more words I have to say and the more my imagined worlds grow the more my real world grows. Everybody has a quirky, those little things that come together to make them who they are and when people are completely comfortable within that it’s a beautiful thing, and I feel like if you work towards it, if you think about it enough, search for it enough, you can find that sweet spot where you’re completely comfortable with your own quirky and can live happily within the boundaries of that. I don’t know if there is one great big purpose for everyone but I do believe that if you just do what comes natural and you’re comfortable and it feels good it doesn’t even matter…