new years show.

It is a new year.

A decade has officially passed, and we have ventured further in time.

Fresh slates are given away, and redemptions made so as to not pollute the future with issues of the past.

Yet, for me, I have no choice but to enter into this time of cleansing uncleansed, never to be rid of your stench.

I find myself in the same seat as last year, watching the same production, from the same view – the real-life reenactment of The “Carrie and Mr. Big” Show. The man messes up, and you watch the woman self-harm by waiting and repeating every six months or so. It is a fantastic watch, if you’re not part of the cast, or your life doesn’t bear a striking resemblance to it.

Wishing that time could stop, or at least be rewound, so I wouldn’t waste another second of it with you on my mind, I stare at the door that you once walked through. I sit here and replay every beautiful moment I have in my head documenting the memories that led us here. No matter how many ways I view it, no matter how many realizations I have that you are not the man you used to be, or that our relationship has changed, I still find myself here, year after year.

In some ways, I find it amusing to even begin to believe that you might be feeling it from the other side, that the emotions I have suffered through all these years are yours too.

I believe it, because it is what you told me.

What makes me angry, is that even if you felt these emotions for a whole lifetime compared to me, you are still the only one standing in the way. It is you who is inflicting this pain back on to us, it is you who is making these toxic, abusive choices, and it is you with the inescapable character flaws that, once again, lead us here. And I am being punished for what you are choosing to do.

A new year’s reflection is customary, I suppose, for the passing of the holiday.

This year, I chose to remember happiness, instead of negativity, but it was almost to a fault. Mixed in with all the well-wishes of the past year, were flashes of you from the past six. Snippets of us danced in-between the other millions of memories, causing my face to break out into a smile, and my heart to emulate the feeling of pure joy it remembers from those moments.

Disgusted and disappointed, I feel my face begin to heat up, my blood begins to boil, and my eyes start to steam with the pressure of tears exuding from within.

Never in my life would I have thought I would experience this so young, if ever.

These moments, as beautiful and filled with so much unadulterated love as they were, took a part of me. With our expiration, a part of my soul must be let go and buried. Tainted by the wonderful care you felt towards me, poisoned with such unconditional love, infected by loyalty and deep devotion, she can no longer walk without you.

Her time has come, she needs to go.

We are through, we are ruined – potentially, now unrecognizable.

And I am heartbroken.

For this new year, I would like to star in a different show.