My "Un-Promise" To You
This is a poem that I FINALLY, wrote for my beautiful daughter. After months of struggling to get past writers block (that has been building up for over ten years) and over a hundred rough drafts, I think that this end result was very much worth waiting for. I hope you enjoy my poem, it is very transparent, raw and to the point. I have put my daughter through so much and she is still so smart, amazing, and perfect. Anyways, I am getting so side tracked, here goes nothing! (I am new to showing any of my work to ANYBODY. So, to be so open, on such a big platform, is huge for me.)
-My "Un-promise" To You-
I wish that you didn't feel lonely, deserted, and confused. I wish everything wasn't my fault, beginning with the faith over time I made you lose.
I wish you could look me in the eye, and even when presented with full transparency, not anxiously await, my definite next lie. I miss you more than anything, and wish you'd give me another chance. Though it's hard to fathom, I have to respect your decision, even if you can't.
Oddly enough, I'm sorry for all the good years and being a normal mom. It's an ironic thought, I'm mad at myself for those days, because of quickly they were gone. One thing I know for sure, is a person can't miss a lifestyle that they never had. Therefore if I'd never showed you what it should be like, I could have saved you years of being sad.
I hope you know your perfect, and I have admired you from day one. Yet here we go again with the irony, because although I despise myself, I am the monster you've come from.
I wish none of this harmed you, and instead just helped you grow. But unfortunately you learned at a young age, things I prayed you'd NEVER know.
Being a Mother is a very difficult task, even if you were to forget all my many mistakes. And that's not even including your childhood I took from you, although it wasn't mine to take.
So, I'm not going to fill your head with apologies, or beg that you forgive. That would just prevent you from actually putting this behind you and focusing on the life you need to live. So, baby-girl, I wish that I could tell you, " just hold on a little bit longer, and this to shall pass." But, I promised myself I wouldn't, as that promise would be just as empty as the last.
The truth of all of this is, that if I could mend your heart I would, just to see you smile once again. And I'm talking about the real one, not the fake one you've been sporting since this all began. Your the most important piece of this difficult, life-like maze that we are in. And I can only imagine how badly you want it to be over and finally reach the very end.
Hunny, I don't want to sit here, and just fill you full of smoke, I simply come to you with transparency, and a little bit of hope. I pray you know I love you, and please don't ever feel at fault. You should be living blissfully and worry free. Yet my sickness, made you the adult.
When I say, "I love you." That is coming from the bottom of my broken heart. I promise you if I had a time machine I'd go back and make sure that none of this would start. Now, I know that I don't deserve you, but I'd kill to be your mommy once again. So, I ask, can we work towards a brighter future and leave the past in the back then.
If your answer is, "No." I can't blame you nonetheless. Most importantly what I want for you, is to find your own true happiness. I speak from my own experiences ,with my assurance that its still in there. Starting with the fact that I know my babygirl, and lets face it she's no quitter.
So, I have faith that we will get there, if we keep trying you and I. Just remember what I always taught you, about see you later and no goodbyes. So, don't forget about me, your poor, and dear old mom. And don't forget my plead for your forgiveness of all the rights that I've done wrong.
Let's make the choice to grow together, finally as one. So finally I can appreciate my beautiful daughter, and the amazing young lady that you've become. :)