How does a writer function after losing all the years of writing they have ever written? How do they cope? All the emotions, knowing they can't get those writings back; word for word anyway.
Yes, Starting off new and fresh is one thing. It is a good thing too. Though losing writings that you have cherished from over the years and how they had also inspired you in later years too. Now you’re seeing your own funeral, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and effecting you physically too; while your still alive. That old part of your life is now officially gone. Time to start fresh, feels like its saying.
The emotional side reeks of mixed emotions of wanting it all back and not wanting it any more. Plus the place where it lays is where a lot of the stuff started. Maybe that's where it should reside and end, staying there. Though part wants the world to see what was written of the past to see for numerous reasons. Maybe they aren't good reasons- staying humble is always a good trait to have. Probably the thoughts of wanting to show, hey I can do something I love and make money off of it, show others that I'm not a failure that I assumed others thought I'd be because of past health issues. Found out it was all in my head and twisted everything up. The mind is a scary thing to mess with. Especially thoughts. Along with feeling of approval of others liking what I'm writing shouldn't matter, though it does help in ways. Fear of rejection has been an issue that I have been dealing with since I was basically born. Though it's not as apparent as it used to be in my life, it still happens, until I deal with it all the way and get more self-confidence.
Struggling through the loss- just the thought makes me want to bang my head on my laptop right now, haha. Even when consulting with another writer who is going through the same thing.. It doesn't help. Along with a non-writer (contradictory to what I have written before about there is a writer in all of us, I know) trying to help, it's like grieving a person. You have to do it on your own, in your own time, and in your own way.
Being one that is the process of grieving losing my old writing due to moving and the houses status is no longer safe for anyone to go in, let alone breathe in. Since moving, limited access to get back there and get the writings.. They got ruined with time by the weather flooding the house and other damage over time. Some hand-written, some electronically saved. Both damaged over the years. It aches me every time I think of a song or poem or story I had written back in the day that someone complimented me on, or even that I wanted to re-read. Then I think off if I feel this way how does my mom feel- doing such more kinds of writing than I do. She kept every daily diary, every thought she could put down on paper basically, poems from when she was a kid and mementos that had scratchings of ideas.. Everything that had sparked an idea. Just think at the age she was that all of a sudden not only was the love of her life in heaven that she was married to for a number of years but her written soul was gone before she knew it, never wanting to write again. Numb from the loss. Still to this day, not wanting to write any more than the daily journaling of day to day through the year to keep her hands and mind doing something other than reading. Writing letters, she wrote giving old information just to keep her hand writing and muscles built up. I can tell she wants to write again but it still stings for her. Just like she wants to play and sing. Yet feels like there has to be a reason to do it, and that she doesn’t feel like she can do it anymore. That she has lost her touch. I’ve read her writings. They are neat and personal. No, she didn’t force me to go into writing or anything. I fell in love with writing myself and when I first told her I wanted to become a writer.. I could tell it stung so deep. She wanted to be the same thing. Whether it was for songs or books or poems, she wanted to write. Just like the same desire I do, surprisingly. I didn’t even know this until I spoke this and my mom told me her story about trying to become one even in her time growing up. It had brought a weight a negativity of do I really want to, though the desire had always been strong and on the back burner. Then again, I know I’m not my mom. This was told to me when I was a young age. I had mixed feelings about writing for more than just fun and leisure, even though over the years I have been suggested to become other things too. Along with over the years, growing up and more confident in who I am and what I want every day helps. Technology and knowing more about it/how it works, I will say for writing does help with getting the word out there more than it has been in the past. Well, resources included in that mainly. Anyways, While we mourn our loss of writings.. May we continue to write in any way we can..
Though the stubborn in me still wants to go over there just to make sure I can’t save anything or if any of it can be salvaged. Just to bring a closure and peace of mind to see that I can’t do any more rather than thinking I could have done something when there was still time.
Ugh, the struggles of life..
Hope this has impacted your life today or the days to come,