Motherless

Today, I wanted to forget. Forget the hurt that grips my insides like a vice. My rib cage feeling like it is about to be crushed. Crushed to the point of dust. Dust that will blow away, like the memories of you should.

BUT THEY DON’T.

So here I am again, wishing away each and every scene that plays in my head. Leaving me feeling empty. Lost. Hopeless. Feeling invisible and alone. You broke so many promises, so why do I miss you? You held me down when you were supposed to pick me up, and yet, your leaving still haunts me. You left bruises on my skin and on my heart, but I miss calling your name.

I feel desolate and unwanted wherever I go. I turn green with envy, when I see a happy daughter speaking lovingly about her mom. I am denied those feelings now. Unable to find joy in the company of surrogate mothers. The hurt always finds its way back to my abandoned heart. Anxiety gripping me, when I realize it’s forever.

Everyone says it’s your loss. So, why do I feel like I’m the only one losing?

A motherless daughter on a never-ending quest for a replacement. A replacement for the one who broke her heart.