Measuring Up

I don't know why I keep getting hung up on this

When you have so many qualities I'd hoped to find

But I wish I could have met you 18 years ago

Before any of these things that are stuck in my mind

Before so many had those memories with you

Before the things you'll never be able to unsee or undo

Before any fantasies or fetishes were established with others

Before there were so many others to compare me to

Before I was sleeping with everyone you've ever slept with

Their energies draining mine, their ghosts attacking my spirit

You put those images in my head and expected me to be fine

Because it's a non-issue for you so now you don't want to hear it

I wish I could have met you 18 years ago

So I could be fully present and just enjoy you

Before you were desensitized and had the countless encounters

Before you let that evil bitch into your life to destroy you

When we could have learned and explored with each other

Discovered and developed our own fantasies

When you could have reigned in what you were doing

And had more reasonable expectations and baselines for me

When we could have found together what we like and don't

When I could have been the first or the best at anything

When our kids could have grown up with two parents

When I wouldn't have to feel the crushing insecurity this all brings

Before it could have destroyed my sexual functioning

When it was a source of pride and not embarrassment that I didn't sleep around

I wish I'd have met you 18 years ago when I felt good about myself again

When I didn't feel like I'd never measure up and I'd always be a let down

When I didn't feel like a clumsy idiot who can't keep pace

When I didn't feel like I'd never be on your level and focus on the things I don't know how to do

When the insecurity didn't pound in my head like a steady drum

When the voices weren't ringing in my ears every time that I'm with you

When I didn't feel like a failure who can't satisfy you or fulfill all your desires

When I wasn't overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt

Before fantasies were ruined for me knowing it was reality for you

Before the things that make me nauseous were the things you were bragging about

When it wouldn't have been eating me alive on a daily basis

When I wouldn't have had the knots in my stomach, anxiety, or pain in my chest

When I still thought that I had skills for days

When I would have actually believed you when you said I'm the best